Your Love Is My Drug
by Beakyboo
Summary: When Naboo's wild sister comes to stay all hell starts to break loose - Can Howard finally admit his true feelings and rescue Vince from her clutches before it's too late?
1. Chapter 1

**_Author's Note: Hey everyone! This is my first ever Boosh fanfic, and also the first fanfic I have written in years... so please be kind! It's going to be an ongoing chaptered fic which I plan to update once a day, really hope you enjoy it and any feedback is much appreciated!_**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own The Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!  
><em>**

_**Chapter 1**_

It was in the early hours of the morning that Howard and Vince finally got back to the flat. The big full moon was shining brightly in the night sky through the window, a toothy, slightly vacant grin plastered across its cratered face. All was still and peaceful. Naboo and Bollo were tucked up in bed, with only the lightest hint of their snores echoing from the room from where they slept.

The two young men crept in quietly, placing their instruments down in the corner with care. It was hard to keep the noise down whilst struggling with a huge keyboard and guitar case but they were so used to carrying their gear around that they were experts in handling them by now. After all, they had been in a band together for well over two years now.

Once they had placed down the cases, Howard flopped down on the sofa in exhaustion. Vince soon joined him, settling down closely to his bandmate and lifelong friend.

"Well Sir," Howard exclaimed after a few moments of silence, "I'd say that went pretty well, eh?"

Vince looked bemusedly at the older man. "Pretty well? Howard, they hated us. They all booed us off the stage."

"Well... maybe there were one or two who didn't quite appreciate us."

"Someone threw a shoe at me."

"...or three..."

"There was a banner in the audience saying "Howard, I hate you""

"Well..."

"And your Mum was waving it!"

"YES ALRIGHT, Vince. Maybe... maybe it didn't go down quite as well as I might have hoped. But you know, no one started a fire this time around so that's better than most nights...isn't it?"

Vince shook his long black mane of hair in amused laughter. "Yeah, Howard. Yeah it is." Sometimes the whole idea of carrying on with their electro duet seemed so completely ludicrous that it was any wonder they ever kept going. But even though audiences hated their music, going out gigging was FUN. And it meant that Vince got to spend lots of time with Howard. And for him, that was reason enough to keep on going, even if they got booed every single night.

Howard shook his head too, although in frustration rather than amusement. Vince always took everything so lightly, but for him this was serious. This was the big-time. Moon and Noir living it up as Electro Gods. That was the dream. "I tell you what Vince, we're ahead of our time my friend. That's the only reason people are reacting the way they do. They can't handle what we do, what we're about. We're blowing minds with our chunky beats, we're shaking core beliefs."

"Yeah," Vince grinned in reply. "Or maybe we're just shit."

Howard furrowed his brow into an angry grimace. "Ha ha very funny. Are you even serious about the band?"

VInce couldn't keep the laughter out of his voice. "Course I am!"

"Well, it doesn't sound like you are."

"I am!"

"See, this is your problem Vince. Everything is just a big joke to you, innit? Like..."

He was about to say, like the time in the Tundra, but managed to stop himself just in time.

"Look, forget it. Maybe we'd better get to bed."

It was always conversations like this that brought back that humiliating moment for Howard. The moment when, under life and death circumstances in the icy whiteness of the Tundra, he had confessed to Vince that he loved him. And Vince had just laughed at him. He had brushed it off as soon as they had escaped, told him it hadn't meant anything and made out like he had forgotten all about it. But the memory still stung him like the bitter ice that surrounded them on that fateful day. And when Vince acted so non-chalant about things that meant so much to him, it just reminded him of the whole embarrassing situation all over again.

Vince felt conscious that he had got on Howard's wrong side. Something he honestly never meant to do. He didn't know why he always laughed at his tall, Northern friend. It was just some kind of nervous defence mechanism. Because the way he got so uptight and serious about everything was honestly so endearing that Vince just wanted to smile out loud.

"Oh come on Howard, don't be like that," he said warmly. "We'll have a better gig next time, yeah? I am serious about the band, you know I am. We're headed for the big time. The Lorraine Kelly show, Smash Hits magazine... the whole shebang."

Howard rolled his eyes at his goofy grinning pal, the sides of his mouth tellingly twitching into the faintest of smiles. "Yeah well, here's hoping eh Little Man? Come on though, think it's time to hit the hay now."

As he made to move from the couch, he felt a force on his jacket sleeve pulling him back down. Vince wrapped a soft hand round his wrist. "Howard..."

"Vince? What is it...?"

Howard looked into Vince's big, open blue eyes, confusion washing over him.

"...I'm sure your Mum don't really hate you. She probably just hates your music. And your dress sense."

Howard pulled his wrist free as Vince giggled like a naughty little child. "Oi you. Bed."

**_xXx_**

_Why does he always do this to me? Always laughing at me. Am I that much of a joke to him? I can never tell where I stand with him these days... Sometimes, the way he looks at me, I think that maybe... just maybe..._

_Oh come on Moon, pull yourself together. Get it out your mind, it ain't gonna happen. Just be happy being with him like this. Nothing's gonna change, so just enjoy it for what it is._

_**xXx**  
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_What's wrong with me? Why can't I just come out and say something? It's like the elephant in the room... I can feel it, he can feel it. At least, I think he can. But why don't he say nothing about it? He gives me all these signs but never just comes out and says it. I mean, actually, I suppose he did, all that time ago, when I weren't ready... I wasn't even expecting it. And now, all these years and nothing. Does he still feel the same anymore?_

_Just say it Howard. I need to know._


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note - Thank you for my handful of readers so far, I really appreciate it! This is just a short chapter from Vince's POV, the story will get going properly in the next few chapters I promise ;)**_

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

_**Chapter 2**_

Vince found it hard to sleep that night. He tossed and turned for what felt like hours, haunted by past memories replaying in his mind on an endless loop.

_Vince, this is difficult for me, but I feel as though I should say this. I love you, Vince._

Had Howard really meant those words? At the time it felt like they had just come out of the blue... a desperate man trying to cling onto the tiniest fraction of hope and warmth in what they both thought were their final hours. But had there been more to it? Maybe the signs had always been there... were still there...

_You better not be laughing at me now. I'm telling you I love you. How dare you laugh at me? This is so humiliating._

He'd never meant to hurt him. In all honesty, he thought that Howard had been making one of his awkward jokes and there was about to be some kind of hilarious punchline. He'd never expected to hear that his friend had been harbouring secret feelings for him... In the heat of the moment the only thing he could do was laugh. Because he was embarrassed. Because he was flattered. Not because he was rejecting him.

_Well, I love YOU_

_You don't_

_I do..._

It had been too little too late. Howard hadn't believed him. And once they miraculously made their escape and carried on in their crazy adventure, all the raked up feelings had been brushed under the carpet, never to return again. They went back to the zoo, to their old ways, like nothing had ever happened. Working together, living together, gigging together, even sometimes chasing girls together. Together all the time, but for some reason never actually _together_.

With a hefty sigh, Vince rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. The object of his confused affection was sleeping in his own bed at the opposite side of the room. He looked peaceful sleeping, almost angelic. His brown curls resting innocently on his forehead, his chest rising and falling in slumber. Vince wondered what would happen if he just crept over and curled up next to him. Slipped right in beside him and held him close in his arms.

Actually, he knew what would happen. Howard would freak out and kick him away. For all his tall tales and bravado, the jazz-loving Northerner was nothing but a scared little boy underneath. He'd never even so much as kissed another person in his life (as much as it would pain him to admit the fact). He'd only plucked up the courage to admit his true feelings when he thought they were both about to die. If he was ever faced with the real prospect of Vince's advances it would more than likely scare him away. And Vince couldn't live with the thought of a life without Howard. There was no way he could risk even the slightest chance of freaking him out and ruining their friendship.

No, Howard had to be the one to make the first move. But whether Vince had blown his one and only chance or not seemed to be something of a mystery. He tried so hard to give Howard the opportunity to admit his feelings. He dressed up for him all the time, making as much of his appearance as possible. He was tactile and close. He tried to make him jealous by looking at other girls. He made no effort to hide his own jealousy when Howard looked at other girls. But nothing seemed to work.

Sometimes he wished he could just go back to that icy scene, and say what he had really felt.

"I love you too," he whispered under his breath, hoping that somehow Howard would hear him somewhere from the depth of his dreams.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 3**

Howard woke up from a satisfying slumber to the echoing sound of Naboo's calming voice. Only for some reason, it didn't sound as calm as normal.

"Look, there's just no room... You can carry on til you're blue in the face, but it ain't gonna happen..."

He gave a stretch and got out of bed, shuffling past a still snoring Vince and following Naboo's voice into the living room.

"Don't be stupid, 'course I don't want you out on the streets... but there's already four of us here, there's just no room."

Naboo was on the phone and pacing around the room, unusually animated for someone normally so laid back. Bollow was sat on the sofa, listening into the conversation as he drank his morning coffee.

"OK I'll mention it to them, but I'm not promising anything. Alright. Bye." He gave a huff of exasperation as he put the phone down.

"Who was that about then?" Howard asked, finding himself waking up with curiosity.

"My sister" Naboo replied bluntly.

"Sister? I didn't know you even had a sister Naboo."

"I wish I didn't. She's a pain in the backside. Don't have a lot to do with her, only ever hear from her when she wants something. Or when she's in trouble."

"Naboo sister bad news," Bollo suddenly piped up from the sofa. "No want here."

"Oh come on, she can't be that bad eh?" Howard said, wondering what this girl had possibly done to earn such a reputation. "I mean, surely she can't be any worse trouble than Vince." He gave a little chuckle which was met with stony silence.

"Trust me," Naboo replied seriously, "you don't even know the half of it. She's just been kicked out her house for disturbing the neighbours, now she's trying to bum a room with us. Don't worry though, I think she got the hint."

Howard was a kind soul who felt the need to help those in need. He felt a little sorry for this girl stuck with nowhere to live and was about to offer sleeping on the sofa for a while if she wanted to stay. But judging by Naboo's uncharacteristic turn, he figured maybe it was best to stay out of it. He decided to probe no further and went to pour himself a cup of tea instead.

"So anyway," Naboo continued as though they had never even mentioned his sister. "How'd the gig go last night?"

"Yeah. Great!" Howard lied as he flipped on the kettle. "We were on fire. Not literally on fire of coure, but they were loving it."

"Not literally on fire THIS TIME" came Vince's voice from the doorway. "But we did get shoes thrown at us."

"Yeah alright," Howard grumbled. "G'Morning to you too eh?"

Vince giggled and joined Bollo on the sofa. "Make us a cuppa while you're there Howard."

Even though it was first thing in the morning, and everyone else was bleary-eyed and in pyjamas, Vince looked his stunning best. In the five minutes since Howard had left him asleep in bed, he had managed to wake up, put on a full face of make-up, straighten his hair and throw on a sexy silver ensemble with flowing sleeves and big flares. It was never too early to play dress-up wherever Vince was concerned. Not that Howard minded in the slightest to wake up to Vince's adorable (and sexy) costumes changes every day.

He handed the smaller man a steaming mug. " Be careful, it's hot."

Vince smiled and took the warm beverage, holding it close to him and thinking inwardly how much he loved Howard's off-the-cuff overprotective remarks. He sounded like a nagging parent sometimes, but Vince hoped it was a small sign that he cared.

He blew on the tea and took a long, appreciatve slurp. "Thanks Howard. S'lovely."

Howard gave a lopsided smiled. He pandered to Vince far too much, but he didn't mind putting himself out from time to time if it meant keeping the younger man happy. He loved to see that contented, warm little smile playing on his soft lips. It was a smile that lit up many of his dreams and gave him the motivation to get up in the morning.

"So who was that on the phone then Naboo" Vince asked, a step behind everyone else.

"Long story," Naboo replied. "I'll explain later. I gotta go to Shamansburies to pick up some Jaguar Tears. Running seriously low since someone spilled my last bag." He shot his hairy familiar an accusing look.

"Bollo sorry..."

"It's alright Bollo, I forgive you. But I wanna get going while it's early. It's the Wizard's Beard competition this afternoon and they'll all be out getting special strength hair trimmers."

"Bollo no like queues."

"Yeah and those wizard's bloody stink too. Let's get going quick."

Howard and Vince waved their flatmates goodbye as they hopped on their magic carpet and jetted off through the window. Then it was just the two of them. Alone. The electricity in the atmosphere was almost tangible. Had it always been this way between them?

Vince pondered the strange situation as Howard sat down next to him in silence. The warmth of his body next to Vince's was comforting, so why did he feel so awkward. All the while they were playing gigs, or out having adventures, things flowed naturally between them. They were tuned into one another perfectly, two halves of a whole. As soon as they were alone together in the quiet, things felt weird. The silence seemed to speak a thousand words, the things that neither of them could quite manage to say.

No, Vince thought. It ends now. Once and for all.

"So Little Man," Howard eventually said, breaking the silence. "Shall we have a jam today? Go through some new tracks? Lay down some tasty beats?"

"Er, yeah," Vince drawled. "Sure." A pause. "But first, can we maybe like... go somewhere."

"Go somewhere?"

"Yeah. Like, for coffee."

"I just made a coffee."

"Yeah but, I mean out for coffee."

"Er, sure. Any reason in particular?"

Vince found the urge to laugh rising, but he managed to stop his nervous habit before it did any damage.

"Just wanted to chat. You know... little chat. Chatty chat the chatman."

"What on Earth are you going on about?"

"What d'ya mean? Can't two old friends just go out for coffee and a chat nowadays?"

Howard raised an eyebrow. This was slightly... weird.

"You're not about to tell me you're pregnant are you?"

Vince grinned inanely.

"Well, you'll just have to wait and find out won't you?"

He was trying to sound cool, carm and collected. Like this whole situation was no big deal. But secretly Vince was absolutely terrified. He'd had Howard on his mind all through the night, and he knew that they had to talk about this. Whatever the outcome. Maybe Howard would clam up and deny his feelings, or even get angry. Or maybe... maybe he would tell him that he had meant what he said all those years ago. Maybe he still felt the same.

There was only one way to find out.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 4**

Howard sat at a little table in the corner of the cafe as Vince queued up for coffee. It was a nice, arthouse little place nearby to the flat and one of his favourite haunts. There was always light Jazz playing in the background and cool student types sitting round having debates, or writing in battered notebooks as they sipped at their cappuccinos. This was definitely Howard's kind of place. Somewhere for the philosophers and the deep thinkers to congregate over their daily shots of caffeine.

Although deep down, he had to admit the place did make him feel horrendously old. Bloody students.

Vince actually fit in much better than he did with his trendy fashion sense and boundless positive energy. Every single bohemian hippy chick he passed by momentarily put down her book of choice to check him out over the top of the pages, their eyes roving over his small frame hungrily. Vince hardly seemed to notice. Maybe he was so used to female attention that he had just become immune to the constant looks of lust from the strangers around him.

He brought over a tray of two frothy cappuccinos. "Here ya go... they got cinnamon in."

Howard smiled. "Thanks, sounds great." He picked up the hot mug, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. What was this all about anyway? Since when did Vince insist on coming to places like this out of the blue? Something was definitely up.

They sat in silence for a few moments, just staring at one another awkwardly.

"Howard..."

Oh God. Where on Earth was this leading.

"Look Vince, if you're planning on quitting the band... just come out and say it. I can take it."

"Eh?"

"I mean, I don't want to go solo... I need my wingman don't I? But if it's what you really want..."

"What? No, Howard.."

"Wait... you're not moving out are you? Is that what you've been trying to tell me? Because if you want to get out of town to find fame and fortune, you know.. bring it on. Count me in. You're not going off without me, no sir, I won't have it!"

"Howard!" Vince exclaimed. "You've got it all wrong. I ain't going anywhere you daft Northern git."

Inwardly, Howard breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Oh right. So what is it then?"

Vince fiddled with the handle of his mug. It was hard to steer the conversation to where he wanted it to go, but he wasn't one for beating about the bush. At least... not anymore.

"Well... I've been thinking lately. 'Bout something I can't quite get out me head..." He felt his heart leaping around violently in his chest. It was beating so loud that he felt it was drowning out everything else around them. "'Bout us..."

Howard felt the hairs prickle on the back of his neck. He looked down into his coffee cup, anxious about making eye contact. "What d'you mean?"

Vince took a deep breath. It was now or never.

"Two years ago... when we were at the zoo. When we went out into the Tundra. You told me... you loved me."

Howard felt as though his heart had stopped dead in his chest. His whole face began to get hot and flushed. He kept his head down. "Vince... why are you bringing this up now?"

"Why have we never spoken 'bout it? I mean... it was... a moment. I honestly thought we were gonna die out there. I thought it was the last time we'd ever... that I'd ever speak to you... And we've just been going along like nothing happened. We got back into the zoo, back to the groove... we've had good times. Real good times. But why ain't we ever spoke about it?"

Vince looked straight into Howard's eyes, which were still fixated firmly on the table below. He glanced up, embarrassed, and caught the younger man's gaze. He had never seen him look this way before... so serious. Was that pity in his eyes? He just couldn't take this humiliation. Not again.

"There's nothing to say," he laughed in a forced tone. "It was nothing! Why are you bringing this up now? Don't be silly!"

Vince wasn't really sure what had changed, what the trigger had been to finally talk about this. He had tried to be subtle and sensitive over the last few years. He had given Howard all the time and space in the world. He had hinted and suggested at his intentions so many times, hoping that one day he would finally get it and be ready to confront all the feelings that seemed to constantly buzz around them like flies. But someone had to make the first move. He needed to know that this was real and not just in his imagination. Surely Howard felt the same way? After all these years, surely there was more to their relationship than met the eye...

"Did you mean it?" Vince asked the question with true sincerity, and not a hint of laughter in his voice.

"Did I mean what?"

"That you loved me."

Howard wanted to get up and run. This conversation was not happening. Why did Vince have to show him up like this for a second time around. He had made his feelings quite clear the first time. Why couldn't he just drop it and pretend it never happened like any normal person would. Did their friendship mean that little to him? He didn't want to have his heart stomped on all over again. It's not like he ever dared to hope anything would happen between them, he wasn't that naive. He was just happy to have Vince in his life, even if it was just as a friend. Why was he raking all this up and ruining everything?

He cleared his throat, trying to make himself sound natural and non-chalant. "Sure, course I love you Vince. And I love Naboo. And I love Bollo. And I love this cafe. There's a lot of love in old Howard Moon ready to be shared with the world. So... you know..."

Vince felt his heart drop into his stomach. He couldn't quite tell if Howard was being honest or not. But he suddenly felt very silly, like he'd been holding completely the wrong end of the stick over all these years. In fact, like he'd imagined the stick altogether.

"So... you didn't mean anything by it then?"

"I don't quite get what you mean," Howard lied. "It's not like...you know... it's not like I was confessing some kind of secret undying love for you or something." He laughed, somewhat hysterically. "Wow imagine that. Don't tell me that's what you were thinking eh? Very funny Mr. Noir, you had me going there."

"Right..." Vince replied simply. "Yeah, crazy thoughts eh."

They both sipped their drinks, the conversation abruptly at an end.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 5**

Howard and Vince returned to the flat, both feeling rather uncomfortable. They had spent the remainder of their cappuccinos making pointless small talk and pretending that the whole painstaking conversation beforehand had never even happened.

Vince wished that he had probed Howard more, that he hadn't let it drop so easily. But everything about the older man had been signaling for him to stop. His tone, his body language. Any further and he felt as though he would have been positively violating him with memories he so obviously wanted to remain hidden to the depths of time.

The whole confession of love had been a stupid mistake of the past. And that was where Howard obviously wanted to keep it forever more. Far away in the past.

_Do I make him that uncomfortable? Does the thought of us being... something... really make him feel that horrified? Maybe he honestly never meant that he loved me... in that way... Have I just gone and made a total tit of myself?_

As they got back to the flat, Vince kicked off his shiny cowboy boots and headed to the kitchen. He began ransacking the kitchen cupboards in a desperate attempt to keep himself looking normal and busy.

"What you doing?" Howard asked, feeling perturbed by this sudden manic behaviour.

"Gettin' coffee."

"We just had coffee."

"Well... I'm gettin' more!" There was humour in his voice, but it sounded forced. "Want another one?"

Howard was already shuffling off to the bedroom. "Nah, I'm alright thanks. Think I'm just gonna go chill out for a bit. Go listen to some Jazz."

Vince simply nodded and carried on rummaging through the cupboards. He hoped that Howard hadn't noticed the way his hands were shaking, or the hint of tears threatening to escape from his eyes.

_**xXx**_

Howard lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. His favourite record was playing softly in the background, the sound of the jittering sax strangely helping to calm his nerves. Usually he could zone out into a Jazz trance and let the music completely sweep him away. Only there was far too much on his mind to lose himself at that particular moment.

_What just happened? Why is Vince bringing up everything I said all those years ago? Have I been coming onto him? Getting too close? Maybe I should have just been honest about how I feel... How I've always felt about him, from the moment I first saw him and that sodding cheeky little grin of his... But I don't want to lose him. If he felt the same, he would have just come out and said it...He must think I'm such a pathetic idiot..._

His thoughts went round and round in circles, getting darker and more self-loathing by the second... until he was snapped out of it by the object of his unrequited love calling him from the other room.

"'Ere Howard... come look at this..."

Begrudgingly, Howard pulled himself up and plodded down the corridor into the sitting room.

"What's up?"

Vince pointed out the window. "Check out Naboo's carpet driving... think he's been licking frogs again."

Howard peered outside and sure enough, to his surprise, there were Naboo and Bollo flying across the afternoon sky... or rather wobbling across it in mad zig-zags.

"Is that someone else with them?" Howard wondered aloud, pressing himself against the window for a better look. It certainly looked like there was another figure next to them on the carpet.

"Yeah I think you're right," Vince replied cheerfully, feeling glad of this distraction easing the tension from earlier. "Hang on a minute, I think they're actually _hanging off _the carpet!"

Sure enough, a closer look determined that there was a small figure clinging onto the edge of the carpet, their feet kicking in mid-air underneath. This unwelcome stranger was obviously the cause of the crazy driving, and neither Naboo nor Bollo looked happy about them trying to hitch a ride.

Suddenly there was an almighty crash from directly outside the flat, followed by the sound of arguing and footsteps up the stairs.

Howard and Vince shot each other confused looks, their natural chemistry finally restored through this unusual situation.

"I'll open the door and see what's going on," Vince said. Howard gave a nod of agreement and they both headed to the door.

No sooner had Vince turned the handle when a young, pixie-looking girl burst in like a hurricane. Her long, dark hair was mad and windswept. She had a rucksack on her back and was wearing long, purple shaman robes. She took a running jump and landed on the sofa with a flump, spreading across it like she had lived in the flat her whole life. She looked up cockily at the two bemused men before her.

"Alright sexy boys? I'm Banoo. Pleased to meet ya."


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

_**Author's Note - Big shout out to my new fanfic pal reincarnatedwitch for leaving such lovely comments, thanks so much :)) Hope people are still reading and enjoying! Things are going to start taking a darker turn over the next few chapters... :O**_

**Chapter 6**

The two men stared in silence at the girl-shaped cuckoo which had suddenly landed in their nest.

"What'sa matter?" she cackled. "Cat got your tongue?"

Before they could reply, Naboo appeared in the doorway looking postively livid. "Banoo, just piss off already! Why can't you just take no for an answer?"

Howard suddenly clicked who this intruder was. "Is this the sister you were talking about Naboo?"

"Aww you've been talking about me!" Banoo squealed. "And there I was thinking you didn't care!"

Naboo held his hands to his temples, muttering some kind of barely audible mantra under his breath. Or maybe it was just a string of silent swear words. Then he spoke calmly. "Look, I'm gonna give you 10 seconds to get out the flat. You can pay me back for the carpet damage later."

Banoo pouted her cherry red lips sulkily. "But bruv, that's no fair! I seriously don't have anywhere else to go!"

"Not my problem."

"You'd see your own sister out on the streets?"

"I'm sure you'll figure something out. Go stay at a mates."

"I don't know anyone round here!"

"Well, you shoulda thoughta that before you hijacked my carpet then!"

Vince decided now was the time to butt in. "Woah, woah hang on a bit. Let's sort this out then. What's going on?" He appraised the girl who was still sprawled out on his sofa. She was cocky and obnoxious. But probably harmless. And definitely pretty. Surely it wouldn't be a problem to let her stay a night or two? "We can put her up can't we? She can have my bed if she likes."

Banoo sat up on her knees and peered at Vince over the back of the sofa. "I like you already," she purred, and winked at him.

Watching on, Howard felt a pang of... he didn't know what. He just suddenly wanted this girl out of here and as far away from him, and from Vince, as humanly possible.

"Now sir, don't be too hasty. We've got some big gigs coming up... we're going to need our beauty sleep and whatnot. I mean, it's not ideal to have someone else over is it? There's barely enough room as it is..."

At this point Bollo entered the room as well, further highlighting how little space there was in the flat. There was hardly room to swing a cat with three grown men and a great big gorilla all under one roof. Adding someone else to the mix was sure to cause absolute chaos.

"Howard right," Bollo grunted. "No room."

Banoo puffed out her cheeks angrily, glowering furiously at her brother's familiar. She then turned her steely glare to Howard. The look she gave was so angry and intense, he felt as though he might wither and die on the spot. She then turned to Vince with big puppy dog eyes, her facial expression completely different. "Your friends are horrible," she whined. "You seem to be the nice one, can't you talk em round for me?"

Vince wasn't sure what to make of this girl. She was intriguing... but annoying. He didn't really want her hanging around the flat. But what was the alternative? Going back to the awkward silence with Howard? Sitting around chewing over their relationship and trying to keep his heart from breaking into pieces over the fact his man in the moon didn't love him anymore?

No. He needed a distraction.

"Come on guys," he said in the cheeriest tone he could muster. "Just let her stay for a bit?" He noticed Howard's eyes boring into him in fury. He gave a little shrug in response. "Have a heart, it's Naboo's sister..."

Naboo sighed wearily. "OK. Fine. Banoo you can stay for one night. Two max. And then you're going back home, even if I have to fly you there myself."

Banoo opened her mouth, about to protest that she didn't have a home to go to. Then she seemed to realise she should take what she could get, and jumped off the sofa to give her brother a hug. "Fanks bruv, I really seriously appreciate it." She then flung herself into Vince's arms, kissing him on the cheek as she did so. "Thank you too, Mr. Sexypants."

Vince felt himself blush a little. So this girl wasn't Howard... but she was kind of cute."The name's Vince."

"Vince." Banoo relished his name like the most precious of candy. "We're going to get on. I can tell."

As Howard watched on, he felt his insides writhing around like thousands of angry snakes.

He hated this girl. He absolutely hated her.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 7**

After just an hour of being at the flat, Banoo had unpacked her rucksack of clothes (directly onto the floor) and was making herself at home like she had lived there her whole life. She and Vince were sat together watching television and laughing like two long-lost friends reunited.

Howard couldn't face joining in with them. Instead he chose to sit with Naboo and Bollo in their room, watching them as they smoked was a purple haze in the air and the dulcit tones of Fleetwood Mac on the stereo in the background.

"What's the story with Banoo then?" Howard asked grumpily. "Is she a shaman too?"

Naboo exhaled a long stream of smoke. "Nah," he replied calmly. "Used to be. But she kept abusing her powers and they got taken away by the council. She still wears the robes though, thinks they make her look cool."

Howard sat quiet in thought for a moment. "What do you mean abused her powers?"

"She got too greedy. And she's got a temper. Us shaman's, we're only supposed to use our powers for good, and love'n'peace and all that. She was just turning people into frogs, and predicting lottery numbers and stuff like that. Always out for money or revenge. That kind of stuff is forbidden, we're not supposed to use magic for selfish gain."

"But... you always use your magic for selfish gain. You've got a whole stack of winning scratchcards hidden under your pillow."

"Yeah but they're only £2 ones."

"...Right."

Naboo exhaled again, trying to gather his thoughts. "Anyway, that's besides the point. I'm not perfect but I ain't never got greedy. And I never turned anyone into a frog. That kind of stuff can really damage our reputation as magic users. That's why it's forbidden, and she was stupid enough to get caught."

Howard tried to peer around the door from where he sat. He could hear Vince's goofy little laugh as he sat chatting with Banoo. He suddenly felt the tiniest bit anxious. This strange girl was starting to sound more and more like a loose cannon. What if she hurt his little man in some way?

"So why's she here now," he continued. "I thought you told her she couldn't stay?"

"I did," Naboo groaned. "She cornered me at Shamansburies, just grabbed the corner of m'carpet when I took off and I couldn't bloody well shake her off. She knows I go shopping there a lot, and that I'd probably be there early because of the Wizard Convention." He shook his head in disgust. "Bloody Wizards."

Howard continued to process all the information. The strange girl currently residing in their flat, and currently all over Vince like a rash, was a greedy ex-shaman with a bad habit of hijacking carpets and turning people into frogs. So far she wasn't exactly coming across well.

"Where did she live before now?" Howard asked, absent mindedly drumming his fingers on his knee.

"Not far from here... She was in a shared house with a load of her mates. No idea who, they all seemed like a load of trouble though. They were always having big crazy parties and they've all just been kicked out by the landlord after too many complaints. And guess who she comes running to now it's all gone tits up for her..."

OK. A greedy ex-shaman with a bad habit of hijacking carpets, turning people into frogs, AND having wild out of control parties. Howard wasn't liking the sound of any of this. Not one little bit.

"Why are you letting her stay then eh? It's not like she's been bothered with you before now. I didn't even know she existed until this morning."

"I know..." Naboo replied, his words tinted with a slight sadness. "To be honest, we've never really seen eye to eye. But... you know. She's me sister. She might be a pain in the backside but I still have to look out for her."

Howard could feel his frustration rising, not helped by Vince and Banoo's laughter getting louder and louder from the other room. "Well, what about us Naboo? Me and Vince... we're practically your brothers! We've been there for you over all these years, not some sister we've never even heard of. I don't want her coming in, invading our space and taking over. What happens if all these so called 'mates' of hers turn up out the blue and start causing trouble here?"

Bollo, who had been silently smoking up until now, was suddenly nodding in agreement. "Bollo think Howard right. No want Banoo here."

Naboo looked from Howard to Bollo, taking in their seriously concerned faces. "Look, don't worry guys. It's not going to come to that. I've made it clear that she's only to stay a few days to sort herself out. I bet you won't even notice she's here."

Howard seriously doubted that to be true.

_**xXx**_

In the other room, Banoo sat transfixed to a children's TV channel. Weird, blob-like shapes were floating all over the screen psychadelically and making her cackle like a mad witch.

"Oh my God man, what do they teach kids these days?"

Vince couldn't help but find her laughter infectious. "I know right! I don't remember stuff like this from when I was a kid, I feel like I've been missing out all these years."

"Me too!" Banoo giggled hysterically, as the blob shapes started to sing about the colours of the rainbow. "This is like, seriously what my happy place looks like. Who needs to get high when you can just watch kids TV?"

She carried on laughing, which set Vince off as well. He couldn't even really remember what they were laughing about, all he knew was that he wasn't thinking about Howard all the while he was doing it. He welcomed the mild feelings of euphoria because they helped him forget all his worries. Forget the fact that the man he loved, who didn't love him back, was off brooding without him only a few metres away. It made him want to laugh even louder, just so Howard would hear how much fun he was having without him.

After their giggle fit eventually died down, Banoo turned and looked Vince square in the eye, her own big dark eyes glinting mischeviously.

"I like you Vince Noir," she stated simply. "I fink you're funny. And sexy. I'd like to get to know you betta. I fink we'd get on really well."

Vince was taken aback slightly. He had only known this girl for all of 15 minutes and she was being this direct with him. There was no second-guessing, no beating around the bush or trying to get the hint. She felt it and she said it. After all those years of Howard Moon, master of uptight indirectness and reading between the lines, it was quite frankly refreshing.

"Yeah. I think you're right Banoo. I like you an'all."

She wasn't him. She wasn't Howard.

But maybe she was better than nothing.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 8**

Howard couldn't sleep. He lay awake, eyes glaring out into the darkness.

On the opposite side of the room, Banoo was fast asleep in Vince's bed. He had insisted on letting her have it for the night and was sleeping on the sofa instead. Howard despised the thought of this little pixie sized terrorist wrapped up in Vince's sheets, her head on his pillow. She shouldn't be here. How had things turned so utterly upside down in the last 24 hours? The night before they had been on a high from their gig, laughing together about how badly it had gone, but both relishing the experience. Then all of a sudden, an awkward confrontation in a coffee shop, followed by masses of uncomfortable silence, followed by some strange ex-shaman lunatic crowbarring herself into their little world.

Couldn't they just go back and reset the whole day like it had never happened?

Howard couldn't take it anymore. To his own surprise, he found himself getting up out of bed and creeping down the hallway to the living room.

Vince was sprawled out asleep on the sofa, looking like a raven haired angel. Howard smiled to himself and kneeled down next to him.

"Vince... hey, Vince..."

"Uhh... Wa... Wa'swrong?" His voice was laden with slumber.

"I can't sleep."

"..."

"Vince? You awake?"

"..."

It was no good. He was completely out of it. Howard wasn't exactly sure why he had come to try and wake him up anyway. He just wanted some kind of normality again. He found just talking to Vince a huge comfort when the rest of the world felt restless and unsafe. He knew he could always count on his warm smile and affectionate banter. But maybe not when he was fast asleep.

Howard turned to go back to bed, when Vince rolled over and dozily grabbed his hand. Howard froze.

"S'alright...Howard..."

The tall northerner found himself carefully squeezing his fingers round Vince's smaller hand.

"I miss you Vince."

"...M'right here..."

Their hands stayed entwined together, both men holding on more tightly than they realised.

"You're not though... Should be you in there with me, not that...Banoo." He spat her name out with disgust. However the mention of Vince's new-found friend caused him to wake up, suddenly alert. He subconsciously pulled his hand away from Howard's, barely registering that they had even been joined together.

"Oh here we go, starting on Banoo already. I knew it wouldn't take you five minutes Howard!"

Vince felt angry. Why couldn't Howard just leave him alone? He never returned any of his advances. Vince had been giving him the hint for the last two years, and when he finally called him on it, all Howard could say was that he didn't feel the same. Yet he resented Vince meeting anyone new, or having a life without him. Why couldn't he just let him just try and be happy?

"Oh right, is that how it is? I notice you've suddenly woken up at the mention of her name."

Howard felt angry. Why couldn't Vince be more sensitive to his feelings? He knew the way he felt or he would never have brought it up in the coffee shop. Howard had been pining for him for as long as he could remember, and when he finally admitted it, all Vince could do was laugh at him. Yet he was getting all serious and defensive about some perfect stranger, more worried about her feelings than the man who had been there for him all his life. Why did he have to treat his heart so carelessly?

"What's it to you eh Howard?"

"Oh nothing, nothing at all. You go right ahead and get all pally with some total stranger you know nothing about. A completely psycho one judging from what Naboo's been telling me."

Vince tutted. "Give 'er a chance Howard, you don't even know her. You're just jealous because I've actually found someone else to spend a bit of time with other than you."

Howard felt stung. "Oh OK. Fine. That's how it is." He stood up and began to walk back to the bedroom.

"Oh come on Howard, don't be like that. I like Banoo but she's not..." In his sleepy haze he almost said 'but she's not the person I'm in love with' Luckily he stopped himself just in time. "...she's not my best mate. You are."

Best mate. Normally Howard liked the term, but tonight it seemed to make his heart ache. He was the mate, the friend, the buddy. He was never going to be the lover or the loved. He was stupid to think that he even stood the semblance of a chance. Vince went for pretty, pixie-like girls like Banoo. Not tall, bearded men like him.

"Look, don't worry about it Vince. You...you do what you have to do. Don't let me stop you." He carried on walking away.

"Howard..."

"Yeah?"

"We're still gigging tomorrow right?"

Howard cracked the smallest of smiles. "Course little man. Moon and Noir, taking over the spectrum of sound. Better watch out coz you'll never be found."

Vince gave a big grin and then curled up back to sleep.

Howard fought back the unbelivable urge to lean down and kiss his dozing Prince goodnight. Instead he gently ruffled his long black hair and crept quietly back to bed.

Vince felt tingles shoot through his body at the touch of Howard on his hair. He secretly opened one eye a small fraction to watch the tall, dark maverick leave the room. He looked rugged and handsome in the dark of the night, like a majestic lone wolf lurking in the shadows.

As he drifted off to sleep, Vince dreamed that he wasn't just a pretty boy. That he was actually a pretty girl. Someone who Howard could fall in love with completely.

**_xXx_**

As Howard got back into bed, he finally felt the heaviness of sleep washing over him.

Just before nodding off, he heard a strange, high pitched sound coming from the other side of the room.

A snicker.

His dreams that night were more like nightmares. Nightmares with the face of a dark-haired pixie.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

_**Author's Note - Hey guys! This story seems to be getting a fair amount of readers, thanks so much to those who have been sticking with it... Think it's going to be a bit of a 30 chapter epic at this rate, so hope you're all still enjoying it :)**_

**Chapter 9**

The next day, Howard and Vince put the weirdness of the previous day (and night) behind them in order to concentrate on band practice. They had an upcoming gig that night in a trendy part of town, and they wanted to get some new material sounding tight and ready to perform.

Not that there was much difference between their old and new material. It was all fuzzy bleeps and bloops that made the audience hate them. But they still had to get it right.

"OK Vince, before we get to the chorus I think we should do a little breakdown... maybe just get the drum machine going solo for a few bars... Then you come in with vocals yeah?"

"Yeah sure, good thinkin'" Vince was smiling in enjoyment. Finally, things were starting to feel somerthing close to normal again. (At least, as normal as things could be when you were in love with your best friend and he didn't feel the same way.)

"OK, you ready?" Howard set the drum machine playing from his keyboard, then after a few beats Vince began to scream deeply into his microphone.

"_Bacon, Bacon. Got a lotta energy. Running fast on a pig skin taste sensatiooonnn..."_

As the song was just getting going, Banoo popped her head around the corner. Howard cut off the music, feeling agitated. He had momentarily forgotten their little unwelcome guest.

"OI BOYS! Can you keep it down yeah? I'm on the phone."

She gave Vince the once over as she caught sight of him properly. He was wearing skin-tight black jeans with a bright red, army style jacket. It was sort of like Cheryl Cole had wandered into a My Chemical Romance music video.

"Mmm very nice," she appraised with a wink. "You're looking like sex on legs Vincey Boy!"

Vince gave a pleased grin. "Cheers Banoo." Howard found himself crossing his arms irritatedly from behind his keyboard, annoyed at the exchange. Banoo then turned to him, looking over his dull brown tweed suit.

"Err, you could've made a bit more effort couldn't ya love?"

It took all of Howard's self-restraint not to yell at her to piss off. "Actually this is my best suit if you must know. The crowds love it."

Banoo made no effort to conceal her mocking smirk. "OK. Sure."

"Anyway, why exactly are you racking up our phone bill young lady?" Howard felt inwardly amused at Banoo's sour expression over his purposefully patronising choice of words.

"Geeze, calm down Grandad. If you must know, I'm ringing round my mates to try and find somewhere to stay, seeing how bloody unwelcome I am here."

Vince tried to keep his head down through the snippy exchange, making out like he was tuning up his guitar and paying no attention to either party. He secretly hated the way Banoo was talking to Howard like dirt. He made fun of the hopeless Northerner's fashion sense all the time, but that didn't mean other people had permission to pick on him about it. On the other hand, he was still annoyed with Howard for not giving Banoo a chance. The only reason she was being like this was because Howard had driven her to it. And Vince knew more than anyone how much Howard could push people's buttons. Banoo might not be perfect, but she was cute and she obviously liked him. He would have more chance with her than his best friend, so why not throw caution to the wind and just go with it? Why was Howard so intent on ruining it when he claimed he didn't have any romantic intentions of his own?

It was all so complicated. Better to lie low. Definitely.

Before Howard could think of a venemous reply, Banoo changed the subject.

"So are you guys gigging tonight?"

Vince welcomed the new direction of conversation. "Yeah we are. We've got a set down at The Karate Chop, it's a pretty decent venue downtown."

Banoo's eyes lit up. "Are you kiddin' me? I love The Karate Chop! I've seen so many amazing bands there, you guys must be great to have gotten a set."

As Vince recalled, the reason they had gotten the set was that the promoter had fancied the pants off of him. And he had been wearing particularly tight pants at the time. But Banoo didn't need to know that.

"Yeah, we're pretty good," he lied.

"Oh My God!" Banoo squealed. "I've had the best idea! I'll come down to see you tonight. I'll ring round all my mates and bring a huge crowd along!"

Panic alarms starting ringing in Howard's ears. "No, it's alright Banoo. You've got a lot on trying to house hunt... You should probably stay in and get it sorted."

"Well what better way to find a new housemate than by inviting everyone out? Two birds with one stone! Yay!"

Before Howard could protest anymore, she had skipped out of the room, already back on the phone and excitedly chattering to someone on the end of the line about what a great night was in store for them.

Vince could feel the tension dripping off Howard like a tsunami. He turned to the older man and gave him a reassuring smile. "I know you're getting all uptight about Banoo but she ain't as bad as you think Howard. I bet she'll get us a decent crowd, it's gonna be well good!"

"Yeah," Howard grimaced. "Great."

_Just great_.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

_**Author's Note - Small warning that things start to take a darker turn this chapter... but nothing too explicit!**_

**Chapter 10**

Howard peered out of the window of his and Vince's dressing room. It was only a small, dingy little area for them to tune up and get ready, but it was better than nothing. And at least they weren't stuck out in the crowd... with the she-devil and all her mates.

He could see Banoo right at the front of the stage, surrounded by people. Dodgy looking people. Big, burly guys with tattoos, and tough looking girls with giant hair and killer heels. Banoo herself was looking particularly glammed up, with bright red lips and big black eyes. She had abandoned her shaman robes for the night and was instead wearing a little red dress which hugged her small, curvy frame in all the right places. Howard hoped he wouldn't have to spend the whole set staring down into her cleavage of doom.

Vince stood alongside Howard, looking out the window at the ever increasing crowd. "Wow, Banoo really got a load of people here! Amazin'!"

Howard just grunted. He wished Naboo was here to keep an eye on his crazy sister. On discovering that Banoo had seriously dented his carpet, he and Bollo had taken a late night road trip into the enchanted woods to go and get it fixed by a travelling carpet gypsy. It seemed like the little dark-haired horror had done nothing but cause trouble and aggro from the moment Naboo had even mentioned her name. Howard also noted the fact that Banoo had claimed to have no mates nearby, which judging by the huge crowd was anything but the truth. The girl was obviously a complete liar.

"I think it'll be good tonight," Vince said earnestly. He was determined to keep trying to get things back to normal. "We might even get some applause for once."

Howard smiled wryly. "Let's not get too ambitious eh Little Man?"

Vince laughed, his cute little smile sparkling almost as brightly as his outfit. He had decided to change into a glittering silver jacket which would reflect the stage lights in all different directions. Howard had to remind himself not to lose himself looking too long at his adorable little friend. He was so stylish and handsome, in an almost beautiful way. He could quite easily look at him forever, absorbing not only his gorgeous face, but his entire aura. His pure soul shone through his brilliant blue eyes. It chewed up his very insides to think of Banoo looking into those eyes instead of him. As if someone like her could ever notice all the intricate details that Howard knew by heart.

Thinking of the little monster, Howard peered once more out the window to check up on her whereabouts - only to discover she had vanished from her spot at the foot of the stage.

As he looked around for her, Vince pushed past him and through the door. "M'just going for a slash before we go on."

"Ok... hurry up."

_And whatever you do, don't bump into a certain little madam..._

_**xXx**_

The guys toilets were disgusting. Vince knew The Karate Chop was a bit of a dive in general, but he had some standards. He actually thought he saw living things moving around down the toilet bowls.

He looked around the deserted corridor and stealthily nipped into the ladies. After all, he was practically an honorary girl anyway with his long hair and make-up.

Luckily it was deserted bar one occupied cubicle. He went in next door to it and began to relieve himself.

As he was finishing up, he noticed something incredibly odd catching his eye from the bottom corner of the cubicle next door. A flash of neon turquoise, brightly shining under the crack of the door. It was like someone was shining a torch from the other side, only the light was brighter and shinier than any normal light Vince had ever seen.

He heard some snorting and snuffling. Then a girl's voice. "Mmmm! Oh God!"

He knew that voice.

"Banoo? That you?"

Silence.

He zipped up his flies and knocked on the wall.

"S'only me... Banoo?"

Still no reply. Without thinking, Vince clambered on top of the toilet so that he could peer over into the other cubicle.

Crouching over the other toilet, there was Banoo. There was a weird neon glowing powder all over the lid of the toilet and the floor. In her hand was what looked like a bright glowing shell. It was like nothing Vince had ever seen before.

"What on earth are you doin'?"

She looked up, surprised at Vince suddenly appearing out of nowhere in the ladies loos. Her face then turned to one of mischevious amusement.

"Woops, looks like ya caught me out!"

Vince felt puzzled. "What's all that weird... stuff?"

Banoo smirked, holding the long, shell-like thing out in her palm. "Unicorn horn." She looked up at him with sultry eyes. "Want some?"

"Unicorn horn?"

"Yeah... it's good stuff."

"Where'd it come from? Watsit do?" Vince was very confused. This didn't look entirely safe. Or legal.

"Some of my mates are...unicorn poachers." She whispered the term as though the cubicle was bugged. "They've got tons of horns, only the best. They make you feel absolutely amazin'. Trust me."

Unicorn poachers? What the hell was she going on about? Suddenly, Vince didn't feel safe. He wanted to get away from this weird girl as soon as possible. He wanted to be back with safe, boring old Howard.

"Err... no thanks. I gotta go, I'm on in a bit."

"Oh, sure. I'll be right out. Good luck!"

Vince rushed out of the toilets as quick as his legs could carry him and back to the dressing room.

"Geeze, how long's it take to have a whizz?"

He had never been so glad to see Howard's annoyed, grumpy face in all his life.

"Err sorry Howard. Let's get on stage... get it over and done with, yeah?"


	11. Chapter 11

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

_**Author's Note - I just discovered that my spacers in the last few chapters weren't showing up for some reason... I have fixed now, but apologies for weird transitions in previous chapters!**_

**Chapter 11**

The lights were dimmed and the crowd were cheering in anticipation. The room felt hot and sweaty with the amount of people crammed in together. Grungy looking hipsters squashed right up to the stage in order to get as close to the music as possible.

Howard peered out at all the faces. This kind of audience was unheard of for one of their gigs. Normally he would relish all the attention, lapping it up like delicious fame-hungry milk. But these people weren't really there to see him. They were only there because of... her.

She stood right at the front, staring straight at Howard with a somewhat taunting grin plastered on her bright red lips. Her eyes looked positively wild.

He cleared his throat into the microphone, fingers poised at the keyboard. "Hey everyone... I'm Howard... and he's Vince. And we're here to rock your socks off."

Everyone screamed as they began to play. Howard ran his fingers smoothly up and down the keyboard, but no sooner had he started playing when his thoughts began to wander.

_...God, look at her. What does she bloody look like? I'll tell you what, some kind of hideous she-demon. She's demented. And she can try and give Vince the eye all she likes from over there, but he's concentrating on the music, not her. Well, I hope he is. What the hell does he even see in her? I don't care that she brought three million people tonight, it don't mean anything. No, I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. Is this set nearly over yet? I wanna get out of here..._

Vince was singing his heart out into the mic and strumming his guitar like mad, jumping around the stage like the true showman he was. But despite how he appeared on the surface, his thoughts were also somewhere else.

_What the hell is goin' on tonight? I'm so confused. Banoo won't stop lookin' at me... she looks weird. What was all that weird stuff in the toilet? It's not right. She's off in loony land. Maybe I should just keep well away from her. Arg, stop looking at me woman, you're scaring me! Howard would go mad if he knew what I'd just seen her doing. Oh I dunno, I think I just wanna go home..._

They kept performing for half an hour, pushing their thoughts aside for the sake of the music.

For the first time in their life, they got a huge roaring applause at the end of the set.

Banoo was screeching and clapping the loudest of all. Almost manically.

**xXx**

Vince plonked his guitar down in the dressing room and began to towel off the masses of sweat from his hair.

"Wow, that went great" Howard smiled, clapping his hand warmly on Vince's shoulder. "Well done Little Man, you were fantastic."

Vince was very aware of Howard's touch, and the older man seemed to sense the awkwardness and quickly pulled his hand away with a nervous cough. Vince wished he had kept it there. He wanted to feel warm and safe, not as weirded out as he had been ever since the horn incident.

"You too Howard" Vince smiled, trying to act like everything was fine. "I guess Banoo brought all those people along..."

"Yeah, I guess so..." He paused. "Makes a change from playing to no one I suppose."

"Yeah. Definitely."

Both of them was dying to tell the other how much they were unsettled by this whole crazy situation. All the people that neither of them knew, Banoo looking wild and crazy at the front of the stage and in Vince's case, the Unicorn poacher thing. But neither wanted to bring it up and look ungrateful for what had actually been the best set of their lives. Despite how great they played, and how well it went down, both of them secretly wanted to be back playing to the same 5-person crowd who usually booed them.

Back to normal. To a time before Banoo and all her... weirdness.

**xXx**

As they came out of the dressing room, they were mobbed by the crowd. Dozens of guys with pierced noses and leather jackets, and girls with ripped jeans or fishnet stockings. They were all clambering for an autograph, shouting how much they had loved the set.

Neither of the electro lovers was used to this kind of attention. They wanted to enjoy it, but it was all a bit overwhelming. Especially considering the scary source of all these people.

The scary source in question was little enough to worm her way through the crowd and into Vince's surprised arms.

"Oh Vincey, you were amaziiiinggg out there!" she shrieked, clinging her arms around him tightly.

He gently prised her off. "Er, cheers Banoo. How'd ya get all these people here?"

She tapped her pixie nose. "Connections. I'm a popular girl ya know." There was a mad, glowing glint in her eye that Vince really didn't like the look of. She turned around to the baying crowd and began to shout. "WEREN'T THEY AMAZING EVERYONE?"

Everyone screamed back in response. "WOOO!"

"AND WHO'S COMING TO THE AFTERPARTY?"

"WOOO!"

Howard and Vince shot each other alarmed looks. Howard grabbed Banoo's shoulder. "Ere, hang on? What afterparty?"

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO VINCE AND HOWARD'S FLAT! FOLLOW ME!"

"WOOOOOOOO!"

Howard started protesting, but he was drowned out by the sheer volume of the crowd. The parade of hipsters were all marching out of the venue, following Banoo outside and down the road like she was the pied piper.

Vince and Howard had no other choice than to go along with it as they were swept out the door along with everyone else.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 12**

Howard was seriously cursing Naboo for taking off in the middle of the night to fix his sodding carpet. If only he were here, none of this would be happening.

The flat wouldn't be exploding with uninvited houseguests. All the food in the house would still be there. And all of the things which were getting broken would be magically fixed.

But the fact of the matter was that Naboo wasn't there. And here they were, stuck in this absolute chaos. People swarming out of every corner and music blaring from every speaker. The walls seemed to be closing in around them.

"Vince, don't you think this is all getting a bit too crazy...? ... Vince?"

He looked around anxiously, but his friend was lost amidst a crowd of strangers.

**xXx**

Vince was trying to enjoy the madness of the spontaneous house party, but he was still feeling deeply disturbed by the events of the evening. He had to find Banoo and talk to her. He wanted to get her alone somehow, without dragging Howard into the situation.

He managed to give the older man the slip as they were surrounded by groupies in the living room. He hated to leave him there in all the craziness, but it was for his own good. Banoo was like a loaded gun just waiting to go off, and he certainly didn't want Howard to be anywhere near the vicinity when that happened. No, he would try and sort it out himself.

Sure enough, he found Banoo sat in his bedroom, chatting to a big group of guys. She was laughing wickedly, flexing her shapely legs teasingly as she flirted with anyone who would give her any attention. She looked up and caught Vince's eye, holding his gaze like a hungry tiger who had just spotted fresh prey.

"Alright lads, can ya give me and Vincey boy some privacy for a bit?"

Her entourage obediantly filed out of the room closing the door behind them. Vince noticed that she seemed to have some kind of magic power over people. Everyone always seemed to do whatever she wanted them to. Maybe it was the shaman blood in her.

As soon as the room emptied, the tiny firecracker sauntered up to Vince and threw her arms around his neck. Her eyes still looked wild, her pupils like tiny black stones gleaming from her huge whitened irises.

"I knew ya'd come and find me..." she whispered. "I know ya want me Vince..."

She started to draw her face closer, her lips puckering up for a kiss. Vince wriggled out of her grasp.

"Banoo, what the hell is goin' on with you?"

She looked stunned. No one turned her down. Ever.

"What d'ya mean?" she snapped. "I thought you liked me!"

She looked like a little girl as she pouted in disappointment. Vince softened ever so slightly. "I do like you Banoo, but... you're scarin' me. What was that weird Unicorn stuff all about?"

Her eyes lit up hungrily. "Oh, you want some U? I got some left over, let me get my bag..."

Vince grabbed her shoulders to stop her racing off. "U? What the heck is that?"

"I already told you... it's Unicorn Horn. And it's the greatest fing you will eva experience, trust me."

Vince thought back to the weird glowing shell from earlier. "Unicorn Horns? Why have you got them? Where did they come from."

Banoo freed herself from Vince's grasp and plonked herself on his bed, resigned to the fact she would have to sit and explain things to him.

"Look, I weren't being entirely honest about the reason I got kicked out me last place..."

"Naboo told me it was coz you were having loud parties or somethin'?" If Banoo's parties were anything like the one she had organised tonight then it was no wonder her neighbours had complained.

"Well yeah, that was partly it. But well, not really..."

"What d'ya mean?"

"Well, some of me housemates were Unicorn Poachers. And yeah, it's not exactly one hundred percent legal... And I fink people was getting suspicious, someone tipped off the police about our parties and we almost got busted... We figured it was better just to get out while the goin' was good. Plus the landlord kinda heard the rumour and went mad, said he didn't want any of us under his roof, yadda yadda. He needed a good fix if you ask me, then he would've changed his tune."

Vince processed all of this, not really sure what to say. Banoo sighed and carried on.

"Anyways, that's how I ended up here. But the point is... You ain't lived til you've tried U! All the unicorns live out in the enchanted forests way up North, and their horns are just pure concentrated magic. You only need a tiny bit and you'll feel like the happiest person alive. All your worries'n'cares will just disappear. It's absolutely amazing. AMAZING!" She laughed hysterically, and began to dance around the room. "I was so down after I got my shaman powers taken away...I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I had nothing. But U saved my life. Man, it SAVED me."

She danced right up to Vince, sticking out her chest as seductively as possible.

"Come take a trip with me Vincey... We can leave this reality behind. Forget all our troubles. Together."

Vince wanted to get out of there. As soon as humanly possible. As much as he liked to believe he was a man of the world, he was getting way, WAY out of his depth.

"I don't have any troubles Banoo. I'm happy where I am thanks."

"Are you sure?" she questioned. "I've seen the way you look at your mate. That look in your eyes whenever you're with him."

"I don't know what you're talking about..."

"He don't love you Vince. He's just leading you on. He's just some boring old git, he's not right for you. You need to be with someone fun. Exciting." She weaved her small hands into his black mane. "Someone like me."

Vince pushed her away forcefully. "I...I have to go."

He yanked open the door and rushed out of the room, nearly knocking over a blonde, busty girl in the doorway on the way out. He didn't stop to apologise, he kept on walking as quickly as his legs would carry him.

The blonde girl stared curiously at Banoo.

"What's goin' on?"

They were friends. And Banoo did plenty for her friends, so it was about time one of them returned the favour.

**xXx**

Howard had been searching the flat for Vince for the past ten minutes, but he still couldn't find him anywhere.

The bedroom door was locked. Had he been in there?

Had he been in there... with her?

He thought he caught a glimpse of Vince's silver suit coming out of the bedroom and shimmering down the corridor.

"Hey, Vince?"

The glint of silver disappeared into the bathroom and shut the door.

**xXx**

_'Ere, Jem. Can I ask you a favour?_

_Sure?_

_Can you snog Howard for me?_

_...Who's Howard?_

_You know, from the band._

_The hot one with the long dark hair?_

_No... that's Vince. Soz babes, that one's mine._

_Ew, so you want me to snog the other one? Why?_

_Look, would ya just do it?_

_But he's ugly._

_Yeah I know... but I'll make it worth ya while... if you catch my drift..._

_...You got U on ya?_

_Shh. Yes. And it's a bloody good batch too._

_Alright, fine. I'll snog 'im._

_Make sure Vince is watchin' yeah?_

_Err why?_

_Stop askin' questions and jus' do it._

_K, whatevs._

**xXx**


	13. Chapter 13

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 13**

Vince filled the bathroom sink to the brim with cold water and preceded to rinse his face, hoping the freezing wetness would help to clear his mind. There were so many things racing through his head, it was hard to get his thoughts straight without them all jumbling into one another.

He tried to number them down, one at a time.

_1. Banoo asked me to do U with her. But that stuff just don't seem right. I'm scared of what it can do... what it might lead to. I think she's out of control._

_2. She obviously fancies the pants off of me. But I don't want to get involved with someone who's got a weird habit for snorting Unicorn Horns._

_3. I don't want to get involved with anyone who isn't Howard. Full stop._

_4. She said he didn't love me, that he's not right for me. How does she know?_

_5. What if she's right? Why would Howard ever love me back? I'm just some poncy electro boy, I can't be the kind of person he'd ever love or fancy._

_6. I wonder what U feels like when you take it?_

_7. I want Howard. Where is he?_

He splashed more water over his face and exhaled deeply, trying to breathe out all the clutter in his head.

Someone from outside began thumping on the bathroom door. "Oi, there's a queue out 'ere... hurry up!"

Vince checked himself in the mirror, quickly retouching his eyeliner and fluffing up his hair.

"My adoring public awaits" he muttered sarcastically under his breath, walking back out into the throng of the party.

**xXx**

Howard was getting more and more anxious about whatever Vince was up to. Under normal circumstances his little man would be over the moon after a successful gig followed by a party full of adoring fans. But he seemed to be off skulking in corners alone, and avoiding most of the crowd. Something just didn't seem right at all.

In the living room, Banoo was now sprawled out on the sofa with a load of punk looking boys and girls. She was telling some kind of joke that had her rapt audience laughing their mohawked heads off. Howard swore she kept giving him sly looks from across the room as she talked. He was beginning to feel like he was the punchline of the joke.

Suddenly, he finally spotted Vince coming out of the bathroom. He had his trademark grin plastered on his face and was giving the thumbs up and high fives to everyone he passed. Howard was the only one who noticed that his eyes were sadder than the rest of him was letting on.

He wanted to race through the crowd and pull Vince into a hug, then and there. Tell him that whatever was wrong, he would make it go away. That they could leave this crazy party and go off somewhere quiet where they could just be together. He wanted to do all of that... but he knew that he couldn't. Not without making a total fool of himself.

Maybe he could settle for ruffling his hair and asking him if he was OK?

He headed towards the younger man, pushing past people in the crowd in order to reach him. He found himself calling out his name, trying to be heard over the blaring music and excited chatter. "Vince!" He was barely audible over the huge gang of groupies crowding around his silver-suited love interest.

As he neared him, he spotted something distracting in the corner of the room. A busty, blonde haired girl with heavily made up eyes was rummaging carelessly through his Jazz collection. She was picking up rare records from his music shelf and flinging them about like they were any old tat.

"Oi!" he called across the room. "Those are expensive! Put 'em back!"

The girl either didn't hear him or was deciding to ignore him. Howard felt himself physically flinch as she picked up his favourite record, pulling it out of it's sleeve and getting her hands all over it.

He looked over at Vince who now seemed as happy as Larry, surrounded by all his fans. Maybe he didn't need any comfort after all. It looked like he was getting back some of his sparkle now he had joined the rest of the party. Howard decided to leave him be for a while longer and tend to his poor records instead. They needed him more than Vince obviously did.

Angrily, he stomped over to the blonde girl and prised the record out of her hands. "What do you think you're doing madam? Keep your mitts off!"

The girl looked up blankly, a somewhat bored look in her eyes. "You Howard?" she asked simply.

Howard felt disarmed. "I am indeed. Why, who's asking?" He wasn't sure if this girl was a fan or just some party crasher. She certainly seemed a bit out of it.

"Is that Vince over there?" she said, pointing to where Vince was stood joking around with his newfound rent-a-crowd.

"Err yeah." Was this girl supposed to be a fan? She wasn't exactly winning at the name the bandmate game.

"OI VINCE" she suddenly shouted loudly across the room.

Vince looked up curiously, catching her eye.

"YOUR MATE IS HOT!"

With that, she grabbed Howard's face and pulled him into a full-on, almighty snog.

Vince felt his stomach lurch with envy. The rest of the room seemed to tune out into background fuzz. He waited for Howard to push the girl away, to shout out "Don't touch me!" like he always did and storm off in a huff.

Only he didn't. He kissed her back.

His first kiss. Vince knew it for a fact. And it was with some random, tarty girl who he'd only just met.

This wasn't right... why was he kissing someone else? Why was he throwing his first time around so lightly after keeping it guarded for so long.

Hadn't he been saving it...

Saving it... for Vince?

He watched on in horror as the two made out, their tongues practically down each other's throats.

Obviously not.

**xXx**

_Oh my God... it's happening! My first kiss! With some total dullard who has no respect for music. Oh joy. Not really how I imagined it to be... but what the hell. It feels nice I guess. Why was I waiting for so long, I shouldn't put my life on hold just because Vince... shit, Vince is watching. I've got to go for it now, or he'll think I'm still hung up on him. Which I am. Shit, stop thinking about Vince. Just go with the kiss... Got to try and forget about him..._

**xXx**

Everything was a blur. He had to get out of there. Get away. Forget it all.

_Come take a trip with me Vincey... We can leave this reality behind. Forget all our troubles. Together._

He walked up to Banoo and tapped her on the shoulder.

She turned around, her silent smile saying more than her words could convey.

Vince nodded at her and the two of them made their way into the bedroom.


	14. Chapter 14

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 14**

After a few minutes, Jem, the large-chested blonde, got bored of sucking Howard's face. She had held up her end of the deal that she'd struck with Banoo, now it was time to go and find her payout.

"I'm goin' now, bye" she said bluntly, pulling her lips off Howard's. She tottered off on her giant heels, swaying drunkenly as she did so.

Howard felt the guilt wash over him instantly as he watched her stagger away. His first kiss had been with some wasted groupie who probably thought she'd been kissing Vince the whole time anyway.

Not that he blamed her. He had been imagining kissing Vince the whole time as well.

**xXx**

Vince felt a moment of hesitation as Banoo placed the Unicorn Horn on the small kitchen grater she had been keeping in her bag. As the horn hit the metal ridges, it crumbled instantly into bright neon flakes. She scooped up the glowing flakey powder onto a piece of paper and placed it on the bed.

"Ya ready Vincey?" she grinned.

Vince saw a sudden flash of Howard in his mind. Howard looking stern. And worried. He could almost hear what he would be saying if he could see this scene with his own eyes. _What the hell are you doing little man? Get out, now!_

He then remembered what Howard was up to right that moment in the other room. Like he cared about Vince when he had Little Miss Blondey Tits to cuddle up to.

"Alright, let's do this" Vince said, determinedly.

Banoo smiled and held out the powder.

"Get ready for the ride of your life."

**xXx**

The party was getting more and more wild. Howard swore there were even more uninvited guests piling up out of nowhere, and he noticed endless crates of booze were flowing from God knows where. He was getting snippets of attention from the people around, but the novelty of the gig had mostly worn out for everyone now and they didn't particularly care about Howard anymore. They just wanted to drink and dance. And perve over Vince.

If Vince ever got out of the bedroom and joined the rest of them. He seemed to have disappeared off with Banoo, yet again. Just thinking about what could be going on behind the bedroom door made Howard's very insides physically ache. He tried to convince himself that they were just talking. He very nearly had himself fooled.

As if suddenly reading his mind, the bedroom door flung open violently and Vince swooped out, cheering at the top of his voice.

"IS EVERYONE HAVING A GOOD TIME?"

"WOOOOO!"

Banoo followed straight behind, holding her glass of wine up in the air and wooping along with the crowd. To Howard's horror, he noticed she was looking more disheveled than before. Her long, dark hair was looking wildly ruffled, and her red dress was all askew. He tried to block out his jealous imaginings of her and Vince in some kind of passionate encounter. It just didn't bear thinking about.

Vince was bouncing around the room like a hyperactive tigger. Did Banoo really make him feel that good? Or maybe he'd just had too much to drink. Howard finally managed to get close enough to talk to him.

"Alright Vince?"

Up close, the smaller man's eyes were positively gleaming. "Howard! I'm absolutely fantastic mate... I'm on top of the world!" He turned to the rest of the party-goers. "YOU ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH ME?"

Everyone cheered raucously, causing both Vince and Banoo to erupt into fits of giggles. She grabbed hold of his arm, pulling him close to her as they laughed together. Howard felt envy strike him through the chest like a lightning bolt. They had their own little twosome going on, and he was fast becoming the third wheel.

"I feel like I've not spoken to you since we left the gig" he said, feeling slightly pathetic. The gig seemed like a hundred lifetimes ago now. "It's all getting kind of crazy, don'tcha think? Maybe we should start asking people to leave?"

Vince gave an incredulous scoff, laced with a hint of spite that was never normally in his nature. "Leave? Whatcha talking 'bout Howard? The party is just getting started! AM I RIGHT?"

"WOOOOOO!"

He bounded off to the CD player and cranked up the music, Banoo tailing behind him like some kind of evil lamb. Then the two of them started to dance in the middle of the room, spinning and twirling like no one was watching. The people around them all clapped and cheered them on as they span faster and faster.

Howard felt like he was watching a completely different Vince. He was always the life of the party, but this was like something else. Banoo was like a drug to him. She had made him almost _manic_.

As the two of them kept on dancing, Howard sat in the corner alone. Nothing left to do but drink.


	15. Chapter 15

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 15**

The night of the party was a total blur for Vince. A blur of vibrant colour and sound and pure ecstacy. He had felt amazing. All he had wanted was to dance and sing and scream to his heart's content. He wanted to be everywhere, talking to everyone. And he felt like he could keep going for hours... days... years. He never wanted to stop, just entirely _being_. It had all been such a rush of sheer excitement and joy.

This morning, however, was a completely different story.

He opened his eyes to a pounding head and horrible memories. Howard and that random blonde girl replaying over and over in his head. He let out a groan as he tried to sit up from wherever the hell he was. There was a serious taste of sick in his mouth, and he felt like dying.

He eventually managed to sit up and look around. He was on the sofa in the living room, which was now empty and a total bombsite. Next to him, Banoo was snoring, her head practically lying in his crotch. Her lipstick was smeared all over her face and the bottom of her dress was riding up, exposing her pants to the world. The first thing Vince inexplicably wondered when he saw her was why it wasn't Howard lying face-down drunk between his legs instead.

He suddenly remembered what had happened last night with her. They had taken U, and everything after that was like a surreal dream. He could hardly believe in the cold light of day that he had done something so reckless. Howard would never be able to forgive him if he ever found out.

It was a stupid mistake. A one-time only thing.

Even if it had made him temporarily forget his heartache.

**xXx**

Howard woke up lying in the bath, with no idea how he had got there.

Random images flashed through his mind.

Vince dancing madly with Banoo. Vince holed up in his room with Banoo. Vince and Banoo, full stop.

He decided to just go back to sleep. It was easier than being awake.

**xXx**

Still feeling groggy, Vince was drifting in and out of sleep. Until something black and hairy appeared under his nose.

"Vince no dead. But he might be when he wake up."

He forced his eyes open, only to see Bollo and Naboo looming over him angrily.

"Oh... alright, guys?" He gave an innocent grin, but it wasn't going to save him. On closer inspection he could see just how badly the flat had been trashed. There was crap all over the floor, curtains pulled off the rails, broken ornaments on shelves and weird stains in the corner.

"What the hell happened last night?" Naboo growled. He turned to his sister who was finally stirring. "Don't tell me... this is all your doing."

Banoo gave a high-pitched whine. "Go away!"

"Err, what she means is, we had a few mates round after the gig" Vince tried to explain. "Things got a bit..."

"A bit what?" Naboo asked accusingly. "A bit like an absolute shithole?"

"Oh what's the problem?" Banoo moaned. "You can just use your magic to clean it all up. Don't be such a party pooper."

Naboo folded his arms crossly. "I ain't wasting perfectly good magic cleaning up your shit, you can do it your bloody self." He turned to Bollo with an eyeroll. "We leave for five seconds and this is what we come back to. I'm just glad it took us all night to drive back so we didn't have to put up with any of her so-called 'mates'."

Banoo pulled herself upright, attempting in vain to keep some semblance of dignity in front of her brother. "It weren't just me alright... Why don't you go shout at Howard too?"

Naboo raised an eyebrow. He seriously doubted someone as uptight as Howard had instigated such a chaotic party. Vince on the other hand may well have been his sister's partner in crime. "Look, I ain't blaming no one alright? I just want it all cleaned up." He looked sternly at his sister. "And I want you out. Today."

Banoo gave a loud groan of exasperation. "That's not faiiiirrrr!"

"Tough luck. I told you this weren't permanent."

"Whyyyyyyyyyyy?"

Disturbed by all the noise, Howard had stumbled out of the bath and was now standing in the living room. He took a look around at the nightmarish mess through bleary eyes and instantly regretted getting up. "Urgg... wassgoinon?"

Naboo shook his head at the hungover state that was Howard Moon. "I can't leave any of you alone for five bloody seconds can I?"

"Naboo is trying to kick me out of the flat" Banoo whinged. "When all I did was get people to your gig and throw you a great party. I did all that for you guys and this is the thanks I get?"

"That's true" Vince piped up. "Banoo did make it a wicked night... I mean, we're all kind of responsible for the mess ain't we? So don't take it all out on her Naboo."

"Actually", Howard grumbled. "I wanted to wind things down last night... Only you two had to get all mad and crazy for some reason."

"Oh you loved it!" Vince retorted. "You got pissed and started snogging your bassoon in the bathroom."

Howard didn't remember that bit. Although it may have explained waking up in the bath. And his oddly chapped lips.

"Yeah alright" he responded embarrassedly. "But the point is... Naboo's right. It's time Banoo got out and stood on her own feet." He turned to face her. "You've got to fly free sometime little one, go forth and spread your wings. You obviously have plenty of mates around these parts after all judging by last night."

_That's right, get out of here you evil pixie of doom... Leave me and Vince alone... We don't want you here._

"Oh behave Howard, I say she can stay one more night."

_...We don't want you.. wait. What?_

"At the end of the day, it's my bed she's staying in. So I think it should be my decision. And I say she should stay."

Howard felt himself going cold. What was this girl's hold over his little man? Why couldn't she just get lost once and for all? She'd given them a great gig sure, and a fun party. But now it was over, and it was time for her to go. Far, far away.

Naboo turned to Bollo who was picking at a pack of leftover Doritos from the night before. "What do you reckon Bollo?"

The great gorilla gave a shrug. "If Banoo clean up crap, Bollo guess she can stay."

The shaman sighed. "OK fine. A little while longer then... but Banoo." He looked seriously into her eyes. "I'm watching you. I mean it."

Banoo nodded vigorously, looking like butter wouldn't melt. "Oh fank you, fank you bruv! You're the best!" She threw her arms around Vince. "And fank youuu Vincey, you won't regret it!" She secretly whispered into his ear so the others couldn't here. "Seriously, you won't regret it. I'll pay ya back, big time."

Vince hugged her back, feeling a weird mixture of worry and excitement. He knew in his heart that what they had done last night was wrong. But it had felt so great. It had made him forget. What would it hurt to try it one more time? To keep hanging out with this entoxicating girl just a little while longer? It's not like he couldn't stop any time he wanted.

Watching the two of them embracing, Howard felt sick. And he knew it wasn't just because of his hangover.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

****_**Author's Note - Massive thank you to reincarnatedwitch and C.L. Caduto for such lovely reviews, they were very much appreciated! You really made my day :))**_

**Chapter 16**

Over the next few days, Vince and Banoo became inseperable. And insufferable.

Wherever one went, the other followed. If one laughed, the other snickered along in unison. They were like two peas in a pod. And Howard was painfully, gut-wrenchingly jealous. It was practically official that the two were now dating, or at the very least on the brink of a relationship. It was all well and good whatever Vince wanted to do in his private life, but did he have to be so horrendously insensitive as to parade it around right under Howard's nose like this? Didn't he realise how much it made his friend ache with envy and sorrow?

Howard completely and utterly hated Banoo. He hated her snidey smirk. He hated her long brown hair that was always disgustingly tousled. He hated the stupid shaman robes she always wore despite the fact she had no powers of her own. He hated the way she was always bloody _there_.

He felt like he had no time with Vince anymore. They hadn't spoken properly ever since the night of the crazy party. Ever since then, his little Electro Prince had felt almost like a different person. Someone distant... The sparkle in his eyes now nothing more than the faintest of embers. What on earth was Banoo doing to him to dim his light in this way?

**xXx**

Vince was starting to feel like a human yo-yo. One minute he was up, flying higher than the chatterbox moon. The next he felt low and burned out. Like all the glitter in his soul had been stripped away.

Luckily all it took was another fix of U to get him back into high spirits again.

He didn't quite know how it had happened. He and Banoo had been messing around, cleaning up the flat after the craziness of the party the night before. Howard had gone out for a sulky stroll with Naboo and Bollo, the three of them all refusing to help clear the mess. While they'd had the place to themselves, he and Banoo decided to have a laugh, spraying each other with cleaning spray and throwing sponges at one another. It felt so good just to be stupid and act like a kid, without Howard's disapproving looks and permanent guilt trips.

And because they had been having so much fun, Vince hadn't wanted it to end. He didn't want to go back to thinking about Howard non-stop and feeling miserable. He wanted to keep feeling happy and high.

Before he knew it, he and Banoo were grating Unicorn Horn all over the kitchen counter. The neon glow spreading out all over the litter and discarded food from the night before.

Something deep inside him was telling him to slow down, and that this was a bad idea. But then Banoo did this all the time, and she was fine.

Wasn't she?

They sped through the days in a whirlwind of lights and laughter. When the highs wore off, he felt terrible. But then he could just go back and start all over again.

He just needed to keep focusing on living fast. On Banoo and the wild ride she was taking him on. It would make everything better again.

...Wouldn't it?

**xXx**

It was time for another band practice, the first in days. Howard thought that for a few short hours he might actually get Vince to himself, but Banoo insisted on sitting in and watching them. Her eyes like a crazed hawk on Vince, never taking them off him.

The raven-haired front-man himself was in a totally crazy mood. His own eyes looked wide and intense. He was jumping around as he played guitar, as though his skinny jeans were full of ants. It looked like he was showing off for Banoo. Whenever she was around lately (which was all the time) he just seemed to be endlessly hyper. Like slowing down for five seconds might put her off him. It really made Howard feel nauseous.

"Hey Little Man", he called over the clanging guitar. "Don't you think you're going a bit mad? I know we want to put on a good show but there's no need to go overboard."

As if Vince couldn't speak for himself, Banoo started to defend him. "Oi, he's just givin' people what they want!" She grinned over at the object of her desire. "You look great babes, keep doin' what ya doin'. Don't listen to old borin'chops over there."

Vince carried on parading around like an over-inflated peacock. Howard felt his neck getting red and itchy with annoyance.

"Actually, you can have too much of a good thing. You just look like a prat."

Oops, had he said that out loud?

"Oi, what's that supposed to mean?" Vince snapped. "Since when do I ever look like a prat? I'm the one with the good fashion sense out of the two of us. This band wouldn't be nothing without my style."

He was positively throwing a tantrum. It's not like Howard had never experienced one of Vince's diva hissy fits before, but these days he just seemed more spitefully venomous than usual. It was positively out of character.

Howard just couldn't hold his tongue anymore.

"You know something Vince? You've changed. All week you've been behaving like a right little brat. Ever since this one here..." He pointed over at Banoo. "Ever since you got in with her, it's like... it's like I don't even know who you are. Showing off all the time, ganging up in your little twosome, and let's not forget the constant mood swings. What's gotten into you? She's a bad influence on you! This isn't my Vince..."

For a moment there was silence as Howard's words sunk in. Vince momentarily looked stunned. His eyes softened as if he were about to apologise. Then Banoo spoke up, angrily.

"Uh, excuse me! He ain't _your _property. He is actually allowed to have a life and other friends beside you, ya know. And as for me bein' a so-called bad influence... well sorree if I'm actually a laugh to be around and someone he can have fun with. Just coz we do stuff other than listen to shitty jazz records or whatever boring crap you make him do with you. Maybe he can actually let his hair down for once with me and be his _real self_."

Banoo crossed her arms smugly as she made her attack. Howard had never felt more fuming in his life. He gaped over at Vince, expecting him to stick up for him in some way, shape or form. But the younger man stayed silent, nodding his head in agreement at Banoo's cruel words.

"Oh, you're just going to stand there and let her lay into me are you? And here I thought I was supposed to be your best friend."

Under normal circumstances, Vince would never have stood for anyone picking on his beloved Howard. Not even Banoo. But right now, he had Unicorn Horn pulsing through his veins. He was pumped up and itching for a fight. Not to mention he'd had just about enough of Howard's double standards. The way he felt perfectly OK with going off and snogging strangers, but resented Vince doing the same. He just wanted to lash out and hurt him in retaliation.

"Well she's right Howard. I _can_ have friends other than you, it's not my fault you're jealous. And yeah, it is nice to be around someone who ain't so bloody boring all the time. Someone who actually appreciates the finer things in life, like clothes and electropop." Internally he added U to his list. "Everything is so doom and bloody gloom with you, always being so serious and trying to cut the party short. So yeah, it's pretty obvious why I've gotten close to Banoo this week. And quite frankly, she makes a welcome change from always being with you."

There was a long, cold silence.

Howard felt his bottom lip tremble and tears sting at his eyes.

"Right. OK. Fine. If you feel that way, fine." He violently pulled the plug from his keyboard. "You can forget the gig then." He shot Banoo a wounded, steely glare. "I want you out this flat, today." He then turned to Vince. "And since you're her new best mate, maybe you can go with her."

With that, he stormed out of the flat, slamming the door behind him.

As Banoo gave her trademark cackle over the situation, Vince felt somewhat shellshocked.


	17. Chapter 17

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 17**

Naboo had been sitting in his room, flicking through his Book Of The Occult and trying to get some peace and quiet when he was disturbed by all the commotion from the other room. He wandered into the living room to find Howard's keyboard standing abandoned as Banoo was shoving things into her rucksack. Vince was sat on the sofa with his head on his knees like a little child.

"Wha's going on in here?" Naboo asked curiously. "Where's Howard gone?"

His sister totally ignored him and spoke over to Vince while she opened various cupboard doors. "Shall I pack some cereal? Always good fing to have innit?"

"Yeah, I guess" Vince shrugged.

Naboo found himself straightening his turban in irritation. "Uh hello? Wha'sappened? Where are you going?"

Banoo finally turned to her brother. "Howard told us to get out. So we're gettin' out."

"What, both of you?" He looked over at Vince, who quite frankly didn't look thrilled at the idea of going anywhere. "You can't be serious. Did you two have a fight or somethin'?"

Vince just kept his head down and gave a non-committal noise in response.

"Don't be daft Vince, whatever Howard said I can guarantee you he didn't mean it. He thinks the world of you, I don't need any magic powers to tell ya that. Just wait til he gets back and sort it out will ya?"

Banoo was slamming more bits and pieces into her rucksack, including spare robes which were strewn all over the living room floor. "Oh calm down, it's not like he's leavin' foreva or nuffink. He's just comin' with me for a few days... He needs to get away from that total idiot. Make him realise how much he's been takin' him for granted."

Naboo raised a dark eyebrow. He was well aware of the way Howard felt about Vince, even if the long-haired electro Prince couldn't see it himself. "I find that pretty hard to believe."

"You didn't hear the things he was sayin' to him. To_ me_. He treats everyone like shit. Just coz he's so unhappy in his saddo little life, he's gotta take it out on everyone else." She plonked her rucksack down next to Vince, double checking all the provisions inside. "You don't need it Vincey! He's just draggin' ya down, stealing all the light from ya. I know he's your mate and everythink, but that don't mean you got to take it. I fink gettin' away from him for a bit is exactly what ya need."

She put her arm around him, scruffing up his hair affectionately. The way Howard normally did. "We're gonna have a right laugh together, it's gonna be just what ya need! And maybe it will make old bossychops think twice about the way he speaks to people."

Vince found himself nodding in agreement and went off to his room on autopilot to get his things.

He didn't really want to leave, but he didn't know how he could face Howard after the way he had been so nasty to him.

It was just easier to pretend Banoo was right.

And it would be even easier to take a load of U with her and forget the whole argument had ever happened.

**xXx**

As Howard stormed out the flat and down the road, he had no idea where he was heading. He blundered down the street, tears streaming down his face, trying with all his might to stop the large sobs that were threatening to escape his body.

He walked and walked for what felt like miles until he reached a large bridge overlooking water. He decided to stand there and watch the blue beneath him, finding it oddly calming. The knowledge that he could throw himself into it at any second was weirdly reassuring. Not that he had any intention of actually doing that.

He pulled his wallet from the back pocket of his trousers and took out a wad of pocket sized photos he kept inside it. His little collection of him and Vince. The two of them grinning with Bollo and the other monkeys from their Zoo days. The time they decided to be goths, glaring menacingly into the camera with black lipstick on. The two of them onstage, flying on Naboo's carpet, hiding in the bushes of the enchanted forest. All the adventures they'd had. So many years of friendship and sheer unconditional love.

When did it all get so messed up? It was never supposed to happen like this. Neither of them were supposed to get girlfriends or move on with their lives. It was supposed to be the two of them, together forever. It was like an unspoken promise between them both.

And of all the girlfriends to go and get, it certainly wasn't supposed to be a lairy, nasty little pixie demon like Banoo.

Howard subconsciously brought his hand to his lips. He suddenly remembered the party and the blonde girl who took his first kiss. Vince looking onward, practically egging him on to do it. He felt dirty. Why had he convinced himself it was no big deal. Maybe not to most people, but he had been saving his first kiss for somebody a bit more special than a wasted bimbo whose name he didn't even know.

He'd been saving it for somebody with long, dark hair and a smile that could melt a thousand hearts in one glorious beam.

Somebody who apparently hated him and thought he was the most boring, annoying man on the planet.

Howard threw the collection of photos over the edge of the bridge and watched them wash away in the water below.

**xXx**

"Right, we're off then. See ya later bruv."

Vince had packed all his essentials (three suitcases of clothes) and was heading out of the flat with Banoo. Something deep inside him was still warning him that this was a big mistake, but then he thought back to the argument and he knew he had to go. Howard was fuming with him, and the way he had shouted at the two of them and kicked them out was completely uncalled for. If he hadn't wanted Vince to actually leave, he should never have suggested it in the first place.

Besides... he was planning on coming back after about, oh say, half an hour.

He gave Naboo a cheeky little salute and a wave. "Later's then. I'll see ya when I see ya."

Banoo was already making her way out and down the stairs. As he went to follow her, Naboo took him by surprise by placing a hand on his arm.

"Oi, Vince. Listen to me."

Vince stopped dead in his tracks and listened earnestly to the shaman.

"Be careful, alright? I'm worried about you."

He gave a nervous giggle. Oops, his habit of laughing in serious situations was making a comeback.

"Worried about me? What ya talkin' bout Naboo? I'm fine! I'm right as rain me. Super dandy. I'm a dapper chappy." He gave an overly forced grin.

Naboo's mouth was like a straight line along his face. "Seriously. Don't do anything stupid. I mean it."

Vince shrugged off the shaman's grip, beginning to feel a little annoyed. Why would Naboo be saying all this? He was perfectly fine!

"I dunno what you're goin' on about!" He gave a laugh. "You're startin' to sound like Howard!"

Naboo wasn't laughing in return. "You don't have to go ya'know. Why don't you just stay here? You're only going to be back in five minutes anyway."

Vince rolled his eyes. "Yeah well... we'll see about that." He pulled his three suitcases out of the living room and began to roll them down the stairs.

He could feel Naboo's concerned eyes burning on his back all the way down. He didn't know what his problem was.

He felt perfectly fine.


	18. Chapter 18

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

_**Author's Note - Thank you so much for all the lovely comments everyone, I'm glad you're all enjoying the story :) Things are going to start heating up a bit now Vince has run away (dun dun dun!) and I promise a few longer chapters after this one ;)**_

**Chapter 18**

When Howard got back to the flat he half-expected everything to be back to normal. He genuinely thought Vince would be sat watching TV on the sofa, ready to greet him with some jokey, sarcastic comment about how he didn't need to go off in such a strop.

But there was no Vince. No Banoo either. They were both gone.

She had taken him.

Naboo was in the living room, looking unusually worried for someone who was normally so relaxed. "Alright Howard..."

"...Is he actually gone?" Howard didn't need to ask, but he did anyway.

Naboo gave a slow nod. "I tried to stop him... What happened between you two?"

Howard didn't answer. Instead he raced into the bedroom, looking for signs of Vince. But all of his things were gone. His wardrobe and make-up drawer were nearly completely empty.

Naboo followed him into the bedroom. "Calm down Howard, you know what Vince is like. He hates living rough, and knowing what Banoo's mates are like, they won't exactly be staying anywhere five star. He'll probably be back after one night."

Howard was still rummaging through Vince's drawer. "His hair straighteners..."

The shaman gave him a confused look. "Eh?"

"His hair straighteners..." Howard repeated. "He's taken them with him. This is serious Naboo! They're his prized possession, do you think he would have taken them unless he was planning on leaving for good?"

Naboo wasn't sure what to say. It was a good point.

"I've got to call him... He needs to come back..." Howard rushed out the room and looked for his phone in a panic. He hadn't realised how upset and worried he would be about Vince running away until he was actually gone. He wanted to take back everything he had said to him. He didn't even care if Banoo came back with him, he just wanted Vince there.

He dialed his mobile number. It went straight to voicemail.

"Vince... it's me... Look, I'm sorry OK. I didn't mean it, I don't really want you to leave... And you're right, maybe I have been a bit... jealous. And it's not fair to put you in that position, you're perfectly entitled to have friends other than me... I get it now, you've made your point. Just come home. Please. I don't care if Banoo moves back either, just please come home now."

He ended the call, feeling hopeless.

**xXx**

Vince looked down at the mobile in his hands, wondering if Howard had tried to call him. Banoo had completely run it out of charge ringing around all her mates to try and find them somewhere to stay. They had been trailing around the streets of London for the past two hours, no clear destination in mind. Vince was feeling tired and hungry, and his three suitcases were becoming a total pain to carry. He wished he'd never left the flat at all now, but he couldn't face going back quite yet. Besides, he couldn't just abandon Banoo.

Not that he wasn't tempted to. She was becoming a real pain in the arse.

"Where exactly are we goin' Banoo? My arms are aching!"

"Look, it's not much further Vincey, I swear. I just gotta try and find this place... my mate said it was round here somewhere."

"D'you mind taking one of these cases for a bit then?"

"I can't exactly carry that as well when I got my rucksack. I'm only little ya know."

"Well, can we go take a break and sit down somewhere?"

"Geeze quit whinging! What's wrong, can't cope without Howie-woward doing everyfink for ya?"

Vince furrowed his brow in annoyance. "No, I'm fine." He picked up his pace, pulling along his cases with even more force than before.

Banoo was seriously tanked up. She was still riding high from her last fix. Vince however was crashing. He felt horrible and exhausted. As soon as they had left the flat, they had ducked into a smelly side-alley to take a bit of U. Banoo had consumed much more than Vince had. He didn't even want to take it anymore, but when it was there in front of his face it was like sweet candy that he just couldn't resist. He was beginning to feel seriously disgusting though. Vince Noir was a man of perfect hair, great clothes and home comforts. Not stinky alleys, dirty toilet stalls and the grotty streets of London.

Suddenly Banoo stopped in her tracks. "Oh! Here is is!"

Vince wasn't sure what they were supposed to be looking at. They were now standing in front of a run-down block of flats with greying walls and broken windows. It looked like a place of nightmares.

"Come on then, let's go." The hyperactive pixie bounded excitedly towards the building like she was entering Disneyland. Vince didn't feel quite as keen to go in.

"Err, what the heck is this place? It looks vile."

Banoo rolled her eyes. "Oh I'm sorry it's not up to your standards Your Majesty. Would you prefer to spend the night out on the streets?"

At that moment, Vince considered just running away. Running straight back to the flat and into Howard's arms. Showering him with kisses and apologising for how horrible he had been.

But he had no idea where he was. Banoo had led him on a crazy two hour trip to the middle of nowhere, and he had no clue how to get home. His phone was out of charge. He was exhausted. And Howard was probably still mad and didn't even want him to come back yet. He didn't really have much of a choice.

He grabbed hold of his cases and followed Banoo into the broken down building.


	19. Chapter 19

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 19**

It was 2am and Howard couldn't sleep.

The room felt so empty without Vince sleeping opposite him. He missed the warmth of his body on the other side of the room, and the knowledge that he was only a few feet away if he needed him. He missed all his clothes scattered messily on the carpet. He missed the smell of his shampooed hair and his mindless chattering about nothing in particular.

_Where are you Little Man? Where are you sleeping tonight? Why haven't you called me back yet? I've left you about a thousand messages. Are you tucked up safe in bed, having sweet dreams? _

He sighed out loud. He had to stop worrying like this. Vince was someone who always landed on his feet. His happy-go-lucky nature had people falling over themselves to look after him. Whoever he was staying with, even if it was one of Banoo's grotty little mates, he was sure to end up being OK in the end.

He was probably out having a whale of a time and would be back first thing in the morning like nothing out of the ordinary had ever even happened.

**xXx**

Vince lie shaking on a dirty mattress in a dark, dingy apartment room.

The place was abandoned with no light or electricity. There was nothing at all inside apart from a few decaying bits of furniture, and a giant bag of U.

Banoo was sat with her back against the far wall, next to her blonde haired friend called Jem. She looked vaguely familiar to Vince but he couldn't quite remember why. He didn't really care in all honesty. He just wanted to go home.

The two of them were rolling U into big fat cigarettes and smoking them so that the tiny room filled with neon smog. It got into Vince's lungs making his whole body react, crying out for just another taste of the sweet magical junk. He wanted to stop. He physically couldn't take anymore of this horrible new habit. If he'd had any energy left in his body or his mind, he would have stood up and gotten the hell out. But he felt drained, spaced out, and not entirely like himself anymore. All he could do was lie shivering in the corner, trying with all his might to resist temptation.

"Wha's up wiv him?" Jem slurred to her pal.

Banoo took a long drag on her cigarette. "Oi, Vincey. Vincey baby? You OK? Come have a fag wiv us."

Vince shook his head vehemently.

"Come on, don't be lame... It'll make ya feel betta, I promise ya."

Banoo was beginning to sound more and more like the devil on his shoulder. He wondered what he had ever seen in this woman. Howard had been right about her all along. Why had he been so weak as to go along with her and all this crazy stuff she was involved in? All he wanted was for her to go away and for him to be snuggled up back in the flat with Howard snoring in the bed opposite him.

"W..want...h..." He was mumbling through his shaking.

Banoo crawled closer to him. "What is it baby?"

"W...want...H..Howard" he managed to spit out. He turned to the side and clenched his eyes shut, willing himself to be back home safe with the man he loved.

"No you don't" Banoo snapped, her frustration level peaking. "What'cha want that tosser for?" She found herself getting to her feet and pacing around the tiny room. "I keep telling you Vincey, he don't care about ya. It's ME you want, not him!"

Vince didn't answer. He lay there unmoving, feeling himself slipping into unconsciousness at the drone of the ex-shaman's squeaky voice.

**xXx**

Things weren't going the way Banoo had planned at all.

She looked over at Jem who was conked out against the wall with neon powder all over her face. She looked pretty disgusting. Is that the way Vince saw _her_?

She felt her brain ticking into overtime with all the magical chemicals seeping through her veins. This whole runaway trip was supposed to be a laugh. OK this place was a dive, but at least it was somewhere they could be together. She had hoped to get Jem out of the way and have the place to themselves for all kinds of fun... But Vince was being a total wuss, crying for that bloody, idiot, Northern _git_.

He had an amazing hot girl right there who would do anything for him. And he still wanted _Howard_? She had tried everything to win his love. Sexy outfits. Parties of adoring fans. All the U he could wish for. And he was still more interested in some boring bloke with vomit-inducing dress sense and a porn star moustache. What was she doing so wrong? Why couldn't she pry him away completely? She liked him so much, he was beautiful and funny. He made her feel good for once in her rotten life. They were meant for each other. She thought that when they got away from the flat he would finally be hers, but he was still resisting.

She needed to eradicate Howard from the equation by any means possible.

Vince was fully asleep now, and so was Jem. Quietly, she unzipped one of Vince's suitcases and retrieved his mobile phone. Dipping into the bag of U (which was now half empty), she sprinkled a few pinches onto the phone and watched as it magically charged back to life. Just another great side effect of pure concentrated Unicorn Horn.

The phone lit up and started bleeping, but luckily it didn't wake the sleeping man beside her. There were 27 voicemail messages.

"_Vince... I've left you 5 messages, why aren't you getting back to me? I'm worried about you, please call me back_."

"_Me again... Come on Vince, I'm going out of my mind here._"

"_OK this is message 23... I can hardly sleep, I just want to know you're OK... Please, please come home Little Man..."_

Banoo grimaced as she flicked through them all.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

**xXx**

After a few hours of tossing and turning, Howard decided to get up and clean the kitchen. It was a slightly random thing to be doing in the early hours of the morning, but he needed something to ease his worried mind. He had been replaying the argument with Vince and Banoo on an endless loop in his head for hours, along with nightmarish visions of what the two of them were up to now. At first it was purely jealous visions of the two of them together, which soon began to evolve into anxiousness over Vince's safety. He could be anywhere doing God knows what with that girl. She was trouble with a capital T, and he wouldn't be able to rest until he knew for certain that she was treating him with the kind of care he deserved. The kind of people she hung out with were bloody scary, and it made Howard wince inside to think of Vince getting involved with them all.

He let out a hefty sigh as he scrubbed the sides veraciously. Was it too early to try Vince's phone again?

_Stop it Howard Moon, just stop it. Calm down. He's fine. He's always fine. _

"Everything OK?"

Howard physically jumped at the sound of the low, gruff voice just behind him.

"Oh Bollo, you scared me."

The big gorilla lumbered into the kitchen, his eyes laden with sleepy dust. "You woke Bollo up. Why you up this time?"

"Sorry" Howard apologised earnestly. "I didn't mean to disturb you... It's just I can't sleep. I'm worried about Vince."

Bollo nodded, looking wise and majestic as he always did. "I been worried too. No trust that Banoo. Vince need to come back home."

Howard felt a little better to know his flatmate was on his side. "Have you spoken to Naboo about it?"

"A little... Think he worried too. But he caught in the middle as Banoo his sister."

"Hmm" Howard murmured. "I think it worries me more if Naboo's worried too. I mean he must know what she's like more than anyone. And he was telling me all kinds of things about her past. I just think she's got Vince under some kind of spell and he can't even see what's really going on." He gave another sigh and carried on cleaning. As he continued to spray down the side, a glint of something ever so tiny suddenly caught his eye.

It was the smallest speck, right in the corner. But it was glowing a bright neon turquoise. Like a tiny little pinprick of light in a blackened sky.

"Here Bollo... come look at this... Does this look strange to you?"

The gorilla sloped over and loomed over the kitchen side to get a look at the tiny glowing dot.

His eyes widened in shock as he realised what the small trace of unknown substance was.

"Howard... this is small piece of Unicorn Horn."

Howard didn't understand. "Unicorn Horn?"

His heart stopped in his chest as he took in Bollo's grave expression. Vince's sweet, innocent face flashed alarmingly through his mind.

"Bollo... what's going on. Explain RIGHT NOW."


	20. Chapter 20

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 20**

Vince felt himself stirring back into the land of the living. At least, he thought he was still alive. Maybe? He couldn't really remember what it felt like to be alive anymore. He couldn't remember much of anything, particularly where he was or why the hell he was supposed to be there.

The first thing he saw was Banoo's face, right up close to his own. She was lying next to him on the mattress, and was stripped down to just her underwear.

"Mornin' Sexy" she purred at the sight of Vince's opening eyelids. "Wild night eh?"

Vince blinked, trying to focus. He was still in a dingy little run-down flat. There was still the smell of U fumes all around the room, and there was still some blonde stranger passed out against the far wall.

"Wh...what did we do?"

Banoo gave her trademark cackle. "What _didn't_ we do more like? Oh man, you are one hot blooded beast Mr. Noir."

Had he slept with this girl? All the signs seemed to point to it but Vince couldn't remember anything besides falling asleep thinking of Howard. Oh God, Howard. He felt sick.

"I need to... talk to Howard." He tried to sit up, but his whole body ached so much that it felt impossible.

Banoo scoffed. "Well I wouldn't bovver if I was you, coz he blatantly don't wanna talk to you." She handed him his mobile. "He ain't left you one message since you been gone, I told you he was a git."

Vince flicked through the messages on his phone, and sure enough Banoo was right. Not one text or missed call. They had never had a serious argument in all the years they had known each other, and certainly never given each other the silent treatment like this. He was sure that Howard would have tried to call. "Hey hang on a minute, I thought this was out of charge?"

"Don't be stupid, it's been on the whole time."

"It has?"

"Yeah, don't you rememba?"

Vince didn't. But all the events from the last 24 hours were slowly blurring into one and he didn't trust his judgment in anything anymore.

"And don't you rememba last night?" Banoo whispered into his ear seductively. "How we made love for hours? And you told me you loved me."

Vince definitely didn't remember that. Any of it. Was it true? Did he love this girl? He just wanted to clear his head, he couldn't think at all. He tried once more to sit up and cried out in pain. His head was throbbing and his whole body was sore and shivering.

"Oh poor baby, you need some U. Have some of this, it'll make you feel so much betta." Banoo held out a handful of neon powder to his face.

Vince felt so incredibly awful that he had to take it. Maybe he could give this strange life a try. He could be in love with this hurricane of a girl. Sure. Why not? It had to be better than feeling horrible and waiting around in vain for Howard to come and take him home.

He abandoned his phone on the floor and preceded to give in to the numbness of his temptation.

**xXx**

Howard had been flying around for hours with Naboo and Bollo on their magic carpet. He felt groggy and completely shattered, but he knew they had to keep looking. They had been scouring the streets from above all through the remainder of the night for any sign of Vince or Banoo. It was difficult to see anything in the dark but it was better than just sitting back and doing nothing. The first rays of morning sunshine were starting to creep across the sky so at least they would have some light soon.

"This is useless Howard" Naboo groaned from the far end of the carpet. "We've got nothing to go on whatsoever, we're never gonna find them."

"We've got to try" Howard snapped, a little too defensively. "They can't have gotten far, they've got to still be in the city."

"But they could be anywhere... We're just goin' round and round in circles."

Howard knew that Naboo was right, that their search was completely futile. But what other choice did he have? Vince was entangled in a situation far darker than he had ever anticipated. The kind of situation that was going to take more than a cheeky smile and a wink to get out of this time. He was in real danger. And Howard couldn't bear to stand back and do nothing. He had to do everything in his power to find him. To save him.

He thought back to a few hours previously at the flat.

_Bollo... what's going on. Explain RIGHT NOW_

_This Unicorn Horn. Bollo sure of it. Not good stuff. Not good at all._

_What do mean? What does it do? Why is it here in our flat?_

He knew from the moment Bollo had discovered the glinting flake that Vince was in trouble. Big trouble. But he was still hoping that there would be some other explanation. Not drugs. Not his Vince. This just couldn't be happening.

All the commotion and raised voices had woken up Naboo who came stumbling into the kitchen in his pyjamas. He was about to moan at his two pals to keep the noise down, until he realised what the two of them were so concerned about. He only had to take one look at the scene before him to realise what was going on.

_Oh no... I was worried something was up..._

Howard had felt his temper rising.

_Will someone please tell me what the hell this is. Has this got something to do with your demon of a sister?_

Naboo looked anxious. He picked up the glowing grain and examined it close up.

_It's Unicorn Horn. U. It's the most deadly magical drug you can get. Once you get a taste of it, it's nearly impossible to stop. It's full of really intense concentrated magic. Users feel amazing all the while they're on it. Untouchable. But the comedowns are horrific. And it's bloody dangerous, no one should have all that magic inside them in one go._

Howard felt his body start to shake.

_Why is this here... Why would something like that be in our flat? It's Banoo's, right? But... she's the only one who would take that kind of shit...right?_

Naboo and Bollo exchanged knowing glances.

_Why are you two looking like that? You don't think... Vince... No he would never. He would NEVER..._

The shaman put a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to try and calm him.

_Howard... try and calm down..._

_It's all making sense... the mood swings... going off with her all the time... she's been... she's been bloody DEALING to him..._

_Howard! Please, try and stay calm..._

_CALM?_

In a moment of unexpected rage, Howard found himself grab Naboo by the collar of his pyjamas and pull him roughly.

_You brought this MONSTER into our flat, into our lives. Everything was just fine before your bitch of a sister came along, and now she's got Vince doing this junk with her... and you tell me to stay CALM? You knew all along didn't you... and you did nothing to stop it!_

Bollo rushed between the two men, pulling Howard off his master and holding him back. The shaman looked positively shellshocked, tears stinging at his eyes.

_I swear, I didn't know... I'm sorry Howard, I'm so sorry... I knew something didn't seem right but I had no idea it was something like this... _

Howard felt himself cooling under the strong grip of Bollo's hairy arms. He instantly regretted lashing out at his lifelong friend.

_No I'm sorry... God Naboo, I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so worried..._

As Bollo loosened his grip, Naboo approached Howard and pulled him into a hug.

_Look, we don't know anything for certain. It's just a tiny speck, it might not be as bad as you think._

Howard knew that was a lie. Vince was hedonistic. He was naive. These were some of the qualities he adored about him, but they were also the qualities that were sure to lead him way out of his depth. Howard was no expert on drugs, especially of the magic variety, but he knew what those kinds of things did to a man. He'd heard enough tales and been to enough gigs in dodgy parts of town to know. He'd seen people in crowds like living zombies, wandering around with hollow eyes, desperately searching for the next fix.

It couldn't happen to his Vince. Someone with so much light and sunshine in his soul. He couldn't stand the thought of anyone or anything sucking it all away from him.

_We have to try and find him. We have to go right now._

**xXx**

For what felt like the millionth time, Howard tried Vince's phone again as the three worried comrades carried on flying through the night.

For the first time, the phone rang without going straight the voicemail.

"Oh my God, it's ringing" Howard announced. Naboo and Bollo all crowded around hopefully, trying to hear any sign of life.

"_Alriiight! You've reached Vince's voicemail. I'm afraid I can't get to the phone, I'm probably out doing something way cooler than whatever you're doing right now. Ha, joking! Leave me a message and I'll get back to you. Unless I forget. But I'll try not to. Bye!"_

Howard hung up for what felt like the millionth time.

He felt utterly helpless.


	21. Chapter 21

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 21**

"Come dance with me Vincey!" Banoo yelled, pulling Vince up onto his feet. She had been rummaging through his suitcases and was wearing a bright blue fluffy boa with a sparkly pink cowboy hat. She had found Vince's Ipod as well and had his music blared up loudly so that it resonated tinnily through the headphones and filled up the room with bouncy electropop. It was just the two of them now. Banoo had kicked her friend Jem out, demanding she go get some food for them all. Jem had obediently complied, knowing that she would have to keep Banoo sweet if she wanted to keep her supply of U flowing.

Not that Vince had even particularly noticed her up until now. Apparently he had even had sex in front of her. Although he didn't remember that particular scene.

He didn't remember much of anything in all honesty. It was all he could do to remember his own name.

All he knew was that he was living at high speed again. His blood was pumping and his heart was racing. He didn't think about anything, he just decided to let loose and feel. And right now he felt great.

He bounced up like a spring and joined Banoo in her crazy dancing, his arms and legs flailing about with careless abandon.

She pulled her face close to his, ravishing him with her eyes. She was the snake charmer and he was completely hypnotised. She puckered her cherry red lips and moved in for a kiss.

Without warning, her face began to morph before Vince's eyes. Her little upturned nose grew longer, and dark facial hair began to sprout all over her chin. Her hands around his waist seemed to feel bigger and heavier. Her voice grew low and Northern.

_What the hell are you playing at Vince?_

Vince blinked blearily, trying to bring the face more into focus.

_Howard... why are you here?_

He wasn't dancing with her anymore. He was with him.

_Stop it right now... you're just being selfish. You're hurting yourself. You're hurting me._

_What do you care? _

_Of course I care. How can you even say that?_

_Well if you care then why are you being such a coward? If you'd just come out and admitted the truth then I wouldn't even be doing this._

_So this is all my fault? You're punishing me?_

_Yeah... maybe I am._

_You're a selfish little shit Vince, do you know that? Just stop... stop it right now..._

Vince clenched his hands around Howard's wrists in desperation.

_You think I don't want to stop? I can't... I can't stop. _

_Vince... stop it... _

_I CAN'T STOP. I NEED YOU... I CAN'T STOP!_

_VINCE, STOP IT. YOU'RE HURTING ME._

Vince gulped a breath of air and everything came back into focus. It wasn't Howard in front of him. It was Banoo. And he was grabbing her wrists so tightly he was almost leaving a bruise. For the first time since he had met her, she didn't look so cooly self-assured. She actually looked a little scared. Slowly, he loosened his grip.

"I'm sorry... I thought I saw... I..." he mumbled, trailing off. He was hallucinating.

But it had felt so real.

"I've got to get out of here" he suddenly announced. "What am I doing. What the hell am I doing? What have I done to Howard, he must be going out of his mind..."

He strode determinedly to the door to make his escape. He didn't even care about leaving his suitcases behind. It was all just stuff. He could get more stuff. His life was worth much more.

As he yanked the rotting, wooden door open, Banoo weaved in behind him and shoved it back shut again.

"You ain't going nowhere" she said menacingly. She put her hand on Vince's shoulder and pushed him back across the room. The amount of U she had been taking over such a long period of time was starting to give her alarming amounts of strength, and despite her small stature she easily maneuvered the taller man like he was nothing but a flimsy rag doll. "You love me Vince. You want me. Not Howard fuckin' Moon. ME. And you are gonna sit down, take some more U, and bloody well enjoy yerself." She threw him down onto the mattress and placed the bag of U on his lap.

Vince tried to wriggle away but it was impossible. She was really reacting to the magic now and getting more and more powerful. "I don't want it Banoo... I just want to go home... I want it all to stop... "

She put a finger into the bag, dipping it deeply into the shining powder, then forced her finger into his mouth.

"You'll stop when I tell you to stop."

**xXx**

Howard scrolled down the list of symptoms on the website he was currently browsing.

_Unicorn Horn, or U as it is more popularly known, is known to cause a number of side effects depending on the user and how regularly the drug is taken. Symptoms can range from minor to major, including:_

_Mood Alteration_

_Paranoia_

_Hallucinations_

_Cold Sweats_

_Headaches_

_Nausea  
>Weight Loss<em>

_Blackouts_

_In some cases overdosing can result in comas or death._

_Due to the concentrated magic within Unicorn Horn, some users may also experience unwanted magical side effects, particularly if they are, or have previously been, magic users themselves. These symptoms range from person to person but have been known to include enhanced powers of the mind, flight, increased strength, and the power of transformation._

_Dealing and usage of Unicorn Horn is strictly illegal due to the dangerous nature of the substance, and the cruelty inflicted upon the Unicorns who provide it._

Underneath the article were photos of dead Unicorns with their horns cut off. Majestic beasts hunted and poached all for a cheap thrill. The pictures made Howard wince. He knew if Vince could only see them for himself that he would feel sick with himself. He was just too stupidly innocent to even realise what he was involved in.

He looked at his watch. It was just after midday now. Naboo had forced everyone to fly home once the sun had fully risen, adamant that they all needed to rest up and sleep a little before they continued their manhunt. Howard had managed to get a restless nap for a couple of hours just to recharge, but then decided to head out alone to carry on the search.

After a few hours on foot, asking anyone he came across if they had come across a raven-haired electro boy or a pixie ex-shaman on their travels, he thought he would find the nearest internet cafe to do a bit of research. At least that way he would know exactly what he was dealing with. He thought the knowledge might make him feel more in control, but all it did was make him even more worried than he was before.

He rested his head in his hands, feeling like he could cry.

_Where are you Vince? I just need to know you're safe, I can't stand it..._

As if providing an answer to his prayers, something caught his eye out the window.

Across the road was a small corner shop, and there was a blonde girl wobbling out of it, laden with shopping bags. She had on giant heels and her tight little top was revealing her ample cleavage to the rest of the world.

It was the girl Howard had kissed at the party. Banoo's friend.

He ran out into the street as fast as his legs would carry him.


	22. Chapter 22

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 22**

"Hey... HEY... Excuse me... Miss...HEYYY!"

Howard called as loudly as he could as he chased the blonde girl down the street. Passers-by were looking on in curiosity, slightly confused as to why a big, Northern man was harassing such a pretty little girl. He looked like the sad ex-boyfriend who couldn't accept that she was out of his league. She was walking along briskly, trying to ignore him as best as she could. But eventually he caught up to her.

"Please... just talk to me, I'm begging you!"

He put a hand on her shoulder and turned her around to face him. She seemed very alarmed, her bloodshot eyes were wide.

"Leave me alone!" she shouted, attempting to cause a scene. People around were starting to look and tut.

"Please..." Howard said again. "Just give me five minutes. I'm Howard Moon, don't you remember? We met at the party the other night?"

"Piss off!" the girl shouted, pulling away from him. She stomped off on her giant shoes, making her way swiftly back up the road.

"You're Banoo's friend aren't you?" Howard called after her. "I need to know where Vince is. He's with her. And I'm worried."

At the mention of Vince's name, the girl stopped and reluctantly turned back around. She didn't want to reveal too much, she knew that she and Banoo would be in big trouble if she did. But she had to admit, she kind of liked Vince. And she didn't like to see him the way he was right now. It was too late for her, she was already too far gone. But maybe there was still hope for him. And it was people like him that gave _her _hope. Hope that things could somehow be different. Better.

Howard could tell he was getting through to her. Somehow.

"You know where they are don't you? Is he alright? Please, I need to know. I've got to find him."

"Look" she sighed. "You're wasting your time, I can't help ya." She paused. "He's not dead OK? I mean... he's fine, he's not like... hurt or anything. He'll be alright. I can't say anymore though." She headed off again. "Sorry, I gotta go."

This was excruciating. He was so close and yet so far. He continued to follow her, catching up and blocking her path with his own lumbering body.

"Can I tell you something?" he asked earnestly. The girl stopped, unsure whether to keep talking or not.

"OK. What?"

Howard took a deep breath. "What's your name?"

The girl hesitated, but decided to answer. "Jem."

"Jem, I've got to tell you. You might not remember this, but at the party you kissed me."

Jem took in Howard's face. Oh yeah, she had, hadn't she?

He took her hand kindly. "I want you to know. I know it sounds laughable, but that was my first kiss."

Jem didn't pull her hand away. But she did sound shocked. "Are you shittin' me? Your first kiss? But you're like a hundred years old."

Normally Howard would have been horribly offended at such a comment, but right now he didn't care. "Yeah... I know. Well, the thing is. I'd been saving it."

"Why?"

"I'm in love, Jem. Really, proper in love. And I wanted to save it for when it was special and right. With the person I love. Only things didn't quite work out the way I wanted them to. And I kind of felt like.. you know. What's the point? And when you kissed me, I just thought, yeah why not. She's a pretty girl, so just get it over and done with."

Jem was feeling confused, and oddly guilty. "Sorry. Sorry I like...took it from you."

"It's OK" Howard smiled sadly. "I'm starting to think now that maybe that kiss was for a reason. So that I could find you now. And you could help me." He looked into her reddened eyes pleadingly. "I know there's a goodness in you, I know that kiss isn't going to be wasted after all."

Looking at this weird, awkward, honest man, Jem felt a pang of empathy. Maybe it was just the traces of U flowing through her veins, but she was beginning to feel like maybe there was a bigger plan for her after all. Maybe she could be more than just another useless U junkie.

"The person you love... it's Vince ain't it?"

Howard nodded solemnly. "Yup. I know he's in trouble, and it's breaking my heart."

"You two sure make a weird couple."

"Well... like I said... it's one-sided. But I still have to find him regardless."

Jem held Howard's gaze. "It ain't one-sided. Trust me."

He felt his heart spasm madly in his chest. This girl didn't know him or Vince, and he didn't quite believe her. But the way she said it gave him the tiny ray of hope he had endlessly been longing for.

She stood on her tiptoes and whispered into his ear. "Head up the street, turn left then keep going til you reach the very end of the road. Go right after that, and you'll find a big empty estate. Go to the big grey tower block in the middle, it's on the fourth floor."

Howard hungrily took in the directions, memorising every line.

"I'm gonna go the other way now" Jem said. "I'm gettin' out of here. And if anyone asks, you never saw me. OK?"

"OK" Howard agreed. He gave Jem a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Thank you so much."

She rolled her eyes, but there was the hint of a smile on her lips. "Whatevs. Just get him home safe OK. He's lucky to have ya Howard, I'm sure he's gonna realise it sooner or later."

With that, she disappeared off down the street as quickly as she had first appeared.

Howard was not a religious man. But he was starting to believe in angels.


	23. Chapter 23

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

****_**Author's Note - Thanks for the continued reviews everyone, they are much appreciated :) Small warning that Banoo starts to get a bit sweary from this chapter onwards, but nothing too graphic ;)**_

**Chapter 23**

Blood was pumping through Howard's head and his heart as he raced through the afternoon London streets. He was running as far and fast as his long legs would take him, chanting the directions Jem had given him under his breath the whole time so that he didn't forget them.

_Head up... turn left...end of the road then right... Head up... turn left... end of the road then right..._

As he got further along, the roads were looking shabbier and more deserted. The place where he was heading wasn't part of the pleasant suburbs, it was in the grimy, empty backstreets. He tried not to think too much about the depressing scenery, or why Vince was hanging out in a place like this. He just focused on reaching his destination.

After about 15 minutes of continuous running, he finally reached a great big, greying building which seemed to be part of some kind of abandoned estate. The stained brick walls before him looked harsh and menacing and a deathly silence hung over the sky. This was not a nice place. The cold, dark nights of being trapped out in the Tundra felt like a tropical holiday in comparison.

Howard took a deep breath to ready himself, and entered the building.

**xXx**

The staircase leading up to the fourth floor was dark and echoing. Every step that Howard took seemed to resonate for miles. There was no sign of any kind of life on the way up, just empty, rotting rooms with missing doors and nothing inside. It felt like a place that should have been torn down years ago but had obviously been left and forgotten about. It made sense that Banoo and Jem would use somewhere like this for their little U parties. It was private with little risk of getting caught. Of course it was utterly rank and disgusting, but that was obviously a price they felt was worth paying.

Howard briefly thought of Jem as he climbed higher. She had turned out to be a sweet girl after all. She'd just made a lot of bad choices. And the wrong kind of friends. He secretly promised himself that after this was all over, he would try and find her again. Try and help her.

But first he had to find Vince.

He was dreading what he was going to find on the fourth floor.

**xXx**

Vince did not feel right. Not in the slightest.

Banoo had her hands gripped viciously around his neck, her head pressed firmly onto his. Her whole body was glowing and she was somehow levitating the tiniest fraction off the ground.

_Can ya feel it Vincey? The magic's starting to take over... let it take you..._

_I don't want this! Leave me alone! _

_There's nuffink you can do... I'm goin'... and I'm taking you with me..._

He felt his resistance dissolving, washing away like grains of sand in the ocean. Banoo had a total hold of him now, and she was determined to bring every hidden thought of anger and jealousy bubbling up to the surface.

There was nothing he could do to fight her.

**xXx**

As soon as Howard reached the fourth floor, he wasted no time in his rescue mission. He could hear incoherent talking from behind one of the doors, and he instantly knocked it straight off its hinges with one stealthy kick.

"VINCE. WHERE ARE YOU?" he shouted, his deep voice booming around the ambient room.

Then he stopped dead, taking in the scene before him. The strange, horrible, terrifying scene that was so much worse than anything he had possibly imagined he would find.

Banoo was floating in the air, a neon glow surrounding her entire body. Her shaman robes were flapping around her, and her long dark hair was wildly flying out in all directions.

On the ground next to her stood Vince. But it wasn't the same Vince from the day before. His eyes were completely hollow and glowing the same neon glow that was surrounding Banoo. He looked demonic. His raven hair was also flying about wildly and he was staring into space with his blank, crazy pupils..

For a few moments, Howard was speechless. He'd been reading so many horror stories online about U, but it was totally different seeing something like this with his own eyes. Happening to the person he loved the most in the whole world. One half of his body ached with anger, while the other half just wanted to curl into a corner and weep.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO HIM?" he finally bellowed at the top of his lungs.

The floating Banoo realised Howard's presence through her trance. She seemed startled at the sudden intrusion, and when she realised just who the intruder was, her whole face screwed up with rage.

"What the fuck are _you _doin' here?" she screeched.

"I'm saving my friend" Howard cried. Without thinking, he rushed up to Vince, placing his hands on his shoulders.

Banoo gave an evil smirk. "I wouldn't do that if I was you."

Howard ignored her and shook Vince hard. The younger man didn't seem to respond, his empty eyes rolling around like marbles. "Vince... Vince can you hear me? What has she done to you? Vince?"

Just as Howard was giving up hope for any kind of conscious response, Vince turned and looked at him.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" he spat out, straight out the blue.

Howard felt stunned. He must be confused. "Vince, it's me Howard. Your best friend."

"Best friend?" Vince repeated. "You're nothing to me Howard Moon. Friends don't treat people the way you do. Just piss off already."

Banoo floated back down to the ground with a snicker. "You heard the man. Piss off Moon, we don't want ya here."

Howard refused to believe this. "No... she's got you under a spell Vince... this is the U talking, not you. You've got to try and snap out of it."

Vince squared straight up to Howard and out of nowhere gave him a forceful push. Howard had never seen his peaceful little friend act so violently before. Right mind or not, it was hurtful and frightening. His eyes were still glowing madly, even brighter than before.

"I tell you what Howard, why don't I let you in on a few home truths. You're sad. You're boring. You're pathetic. And you know what else, you're a coward. You disgust me."

Howard kept telling himself internally that Vince was under a bad influence, that his words didn't mean anything. But they still stung like hell. Maybe he really did think all that about him, it had to be coming from somewhere.

"Vince, stop this. I'm trying to help you..."

"Help me? Yeah coz you're well great at helping me aren't you? Holding me back all these years... What have I been doing with my life other than hanging about with you all the time? In a shitty band going nowhere. Going on stupid pointless adventures. I've just been wasting my time haven't I? Because for all the big talk, you're just dull. Dull and scared and boring. Sitting around in your slippers, listening to Jazz and snoring your life away in dull boring comfortable dulldome. You can't even tell someone you love em without bloody going back on it five seconds later. You can't take a joke. Oh and your hair is shit, did I mention that?"

The spiteful rant went on and on. It was chipping away at Howard's heart by the second. "You can say whatever you like Vince, I'm not leaving you here with this monster. You need to get away from her. Look what she's doing to you."

"Actually we've been having a great time. I've never felt so alive. Banoo actually says what she means, unlike some people. We've actually just been having amazing mindblowing sex right here in this room."

If Vince said anymore, Howard felt like he might just break into pieces right in front of him. Banoo was grinning slyly, watching gleefully at the events unfolding before her.

"What's the matter Howard," Vince continued. "You jealous or something? I didn't think you gave a shit, I mean you threw away your first kiss on Banoo's little mate didn't you? So what's the problem? You're a free agent, so am I. And now I can actually be with someone who's fun to be with and who don't lecture me and make me feel like crap all the time. You never tell me what's going on in your head, so don't expect me to stick around waiting for you to sort your shit out."

Howard swallowed the rest of Vince's horrid words bravely. When the manic speech finally stopped, he made his move.

"OK, you're right" he said simply, his voice wobbling. "You're completely right, and we'll talk about everything later. But right now, you need to come home."

He reached out for Vince, attempting to pull him out of the room and to safety.

As soon as his fingers brushed Vince's arm, the younger man flipped.

"FUCK OFF!"

He threw his arm back and furiously hit Howard straight across the face. He hit him with such force that magic sparks flew out from the contact and Howard went skidding straight across the room.

He was so dazed from the punch, it took him a moment to come round.

When the room came back into focus, it was empty.


	24. Chapter 24

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 24**

Howard lay slumped against the wall of Banoo's grotty little drug den. His face was throbbing like mad, and the room had only just stopped spinning around him. He wanted to get up and run out. To catch up to Vince. But his legs were refusing to stand.

He ached in his whole body and his mind. Vince had packed him a mean punch, but his words had hurt even more. The combination of the two were enough to make Howard give up all hope. What good could he possibly do for Vince? For anyone? He really was nothing but a dull, boring coward. The best thing he could do for everyone was stay rotting in that dark room. Disappear, never to return.

_He hates me... I've done nothing but drag him down... It would be better if I just let him go. Run off with her and make his own mistakes... I can't stop him... I can't do anything for him other than bring him misery..._

His dark thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a vibration in his back pocket. He fumbled dazedly for the phone. It was Naboo.

"Hey" he sighed heavily into the receiver.

"Howard, where are you?" came the concerned voice on the end of the line. "Me and Bollo just woke up and you were gone. You ain't gone off alone have ya?"

It had been hours since Howard had left the flat, he had almost forgotten the two friends that he had left still sleeping there. He wasn't sure what to say to Naboo at all. He couldn't muster up the energy to even open his mouth.

"Howard? You there? Did you find Vince?"

Before he knew it, tears began to flow from his blackened eyes. "He's in serious shit Naboo" he found himself sobbing. "And he hates me. He hit me and ran off. Him and Banoo... they were all crazy and glowing. They've got some kind of power from the U. And now I don't know what to do." He was now crying so hard that he was almost hyperventilating. "What am I supposed to do? Tell me what to do Naboo..."

There was a small pause as Naboo let Howard get all his anguish out. Then he spoke calmly and bluntly.

"You gotta pull yourself together Howard. You gotta do it for Vince."

Howard took a few deep breaths, feeling on the verge of a panic attack. "I tried to get through to him but he doesn't want to know. He was so spiteful and angry, I've never seen him like this in my life. It's just not Vince, you know?"

"Exactly" Naboo replied. "It's not Vince. Whatever horrid things he's said or done, it's not him. It's the U."

"But you didn't hear him Naboo... The things he was saying, he meant them. I know he did. It was like stuff he's been keeping locked inside for years, all just came flooding out." He could feel the panic rising once more in his chest. "How I've been holding him back, how I'm a coward... and he's right. I am. God, I love him Naboo. I love him so much and when he asked me... I couldn't even admit it. And now look what I've done to him. This is all my fault. It was my stupid jealousy that pushed him into all this. He'd be better off if I wasn't even alive."

"HOWARD, FOR GOD SAKE SNAP OUT OF IT!"

Howard shut up instantly at the shaman's raised voice. It wasn't often that Naboo got angry, but when he did it wasn't pretty.

"Sorry Naboo... " He was feeling very self-conscious all of a sudden. "I didn't mean to spill my guts like that.. Or, you know, make you uncomfortable.. I know it's not right, a big lug like me having... feelings...of that...nature...for another man..." He felt his face flushing red. This was the first time since the Tundra that he had admitted his feelings out loud to anyone. Even himself. "Especially Vince. I know he doesn't feel the same..."

Naboo groaned. "Are you kidding me? Me and Bollo have known for years the way you two feel about each other. Bloody YEARS. Everyone bloody knows. The whole city thinks Vince is your wife."

"What are you talking about?"

"The only two people who DON'T seem to realise what's going on is you and Vince. We just figured when the time was right you'd confront your feelings and things would develop naturally. But now everything's messed up and it looks like I'm gonna have to intervene..."

Howard's head was spinning, but this time it wasn't because of the punch. "Naboo... don't mess with me OK? Stop talking such rubbish."

Naboo rolled his eyes, hoping Howard would feel the weight of them through the line. It was clear that he was never going to believe the truth until he heard it with his own ears. But the shaman was determined to steer him in the right direction. "You can't give up Howard. You've got to find Vince. He needs you. And yeah, he's right. You have been a coward. Which is why it's about time you manned the hell up and fought for him."

Howard remained silent, letting Naboo's words sink in.

_He's right... I've got to man up... He needs me..._

"I've seen what U can do to people... and it's not pretty. You've got to do something before it's too late."

_No, I'm not letting him do this to himself... Over my dead body will he carry on like this..._

"Where are you? How long has it been since they left? Can you catch up to them?"

Howard was already up and racing down the stairs as he recited directions to Naboo.

**xXx**

Vince felt his mind clearing and his vision coming back into focus.

He looked around in confusion. He was sat with Banoo in a greasy little cafe that he didn't recognise. She was sat opposite him, scarfing down a big fried breakfast as though she hadn't eaten in weeks.

"Tuck in then Vincey boy" she mumbled through her scoffing. He looked down at the table and realised there was a second fried breakfast for him as well.

"No thanks" he said, pushing the plate away. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually eaten, but just the sight of the greasy meal made him feel sick.

Banoo gave a shrug and began pilfering his unwanted sausages and hash browns, wolfing them down two at a time.

This whole scene seemed so bizarre. Vince couldn't remember even coming to this cafe or ordering any food. Hadn't they been in a flat or something? He remembered all the U, and how he had wanted to stop but couldn't. Painful little fractions of memory were returning to him, but everything was hazy and unclear.

"Where are we?" he asked, turning around to look out of the window. They seemed to be in the same, gritty part of town judging by the crumbled down scenery outside.

"Don't ya rememba? We came out to get some food. You said you were starvin... but you obviously changed ya mind. I'm just gonna finish up then we can go back."

"Go back? To that horrible, abandoned flat ya mean?" Vince felt himself panic. He was not going back to that place. He was going home. Home to Howard.

Howard...

Like a thunderbolt, everything came flashing back.

"It's not horrible alright. And it ain't abandoned... coz we're in it, innit? It's like our little love nest." Banoo flashed her most seductive smile and reached for Vince's hands.

He slapped them away.

"Like hell is it... As if I could ever love someone like you. Someone so bloody EVIL."

He stood up shaking all over with upset and rage. Banoo recoiled back, stunned. "Vincey... you're scarin' me..."

It was all coming back now in tiny pieces. Howard had been at the run-down flat. He hadn't been ignoring Vince at all, he had come to find him. And in return, Vince had been unforgivably awful him.

He slammed his fist down on the cafe table. "You made me say all those terrible things! You made me turn on him... On the one person who means anything to me... "

Banoo's fury began to burn. "Shut up! It's not right... your weird little obsession with Howard... it's sick. And anyway, I didn't make ya say anythin'... Was I there makin' ya mouth move? Did I plant all that in ya brain, eh? You're the one who finks all that about him deep down, I just helped you see the truth. And now he's gone, out our lives... and we can start our new life togetha!"

She reached out for him, clawing at his arm. Vince pulled his body away from hers.

"I don't want a life with you! I don't want anything to do with you!"

Out of nowhere, scenes from earlier invaded his mind. He remembered hitting Howard hard across the face. His fingers were still stinging from the impact.

He had hit him... and then he had ran. Ran out cackling through the streets with this monster of a girl. Hiding out in some grotty cafe and ordering fry-ups, all the while Howard was probably lying dazed, scared and confused. All on his own.

In horror, Vince pulled his hands over his mouth.

"What did I do... What the bloody hell did I do? I hit him ...Oh my God... Howard..."

He felt tears stinging his eyes. What kind of monster had he become?

"You're wrong" he announced, looking Banoo square in the eye without fear. "I don't think any of that about Howard... I mean.. yeah, he gets on my nerves at times. We're together 24/7, that's just natural. There's times when he can get so far under my skin I could kill him. But all that stupid stuff is just nothing compared to all the good times we have. The amazin' times. There are so many reasons I love him that I'd be here all day listin' them off. So whatever mind control crap you're trying to pull on me darlin', it ain't gonna work. I love Howard, NOT you. And he's got more going for him in one little finger than you have in your whole wretched little body. If you want to go crawl off into that skanky little flat and smoke yourself into oblivion, then that's your lookout. But don't think you're dragging me down with you."

Banoo was now redder than a beetroot. Her whole face was screwed up demonically as if her breakfast had turned into a plate of bitter lemons. She was so angry, steam was practically rising from her body.

"Bye Banoo" Vince spat out as his final parting words. He turned to leave. To run. To get the hell out and never come back.

Only before he could take one step, Banoo reached over the table and grabbed a fistful of his long black hair.

"AAH!" Vince screamed out loud as he was dragged back. She was so powerfully strong, he couldn't free himself.

"Vince Noir, you are NOT leaving me!" she shrieked.

As Vince struggled under her iron grip, she sprinkled a whole heap of U over his breakfast using her free hand.

"Eat up Sexy."


	25. Chapter 25

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

_**Author's Note - It's the beginning of the end *sniff sniff* ! 5 more chapters to go, I hope you'll all enjoy the final showdown...! ;D**_

**Chapter 25**

Howard ran through the streets, weaving his way around every corner and alleyway in an attempt to find some hint of a clue as to Vince's whereabouts. He had so much adrenalin pumping through his veins that he barely registered his throbbing face or the sheer exhaustion threatening to make his legs give way at any minute. He couldn't give in to these feelings of weakness. He was done with being weak.

Mostly the pavements were empty, but every now and then he came across a passing pedestrian. He stopped every single person he passed with the same question. Had they seen a handsome, raven-haired young man pass through or a small pixie-like woman in shaman's robes? Nobody seemed to have seen anything. Either that or they were too wary to open up to a strange, out-of-breath man randomly stopping them for questioning.

Just when Howard was about to give up all hope, he heard a huge bang. The distinctive smash of glass breaking. People screaming.

The sound of chaos was coming from a few blocks away. Something was going on, and he knew who was responsible.

He raced closed and closer to the sound. His breathing was ragged, and his whole chest felt like it was on fire. But he kept running.

As he got nearer, he found himself entering scenes of bedlam. People were coming towards him, screaming and crying. Shards of glass littered the ground like confetti. A bright neon glow the colour of turquoise was hanging over the sky in cloudy wisps.

He saw a little girl coming towards him. She was sobbing her heart out and clutching a small creature in her arms.

A frog.

Howard felt all the colour drain from his face. He approached the little girl carefully. "Hey, little miss. Whatever's going on?"

"The lady! The lady!" she cried. "Me and Daddy were eating in the cafe... and she flew up in the air... she smashed the window... and then she started shooting magic stuff from her hands. My Daddy jumped in front of me... and she turned him into a frog!"

"Oh my God..." Howard knelt down to face her eye level. "Listen, it's OK. Your Dad will be fine, we'll reverse the spell. Just stay here, I'm going to go take care of it."

The little girl nodded sadly, and her frog-Dad croaked from her arms.

"Was there a man with the lady?" Howard asked, already knowing what the answer would be.

"Yeah.. and he looks scary" the little girl hiccuped. "His eyes are all weird. I think she's made him go scary like that, they had a fight and that was when everything happened."

"Right..." Howard replied solemnly. He took a deep breath. "Just stay here. Don't move OK? I'll be right back."

He stood back up and headed towards the glowing light. Most of the customers from the cafe had run off now. It didn't appear that any of them had called the police, they had all been preoccupied with saving their own skins. Howard found himself shaking his head at them all as they vanished off into the winding streets.

_Cowards... Yeah it's easy to be a coward...I know that all too well... but sometimes you've got to stand up and fight. _

_Vince. I'm coming to fight for you._

**xXx**

Banoo couldn't remember a time when she had been more powerful. Even when she had been a fully fledged shaman, she had never felt like this. Untouchable.

Invincible.

All the people in the cafe had gone running as she flew through the glass window, dragging Vince along with her by his hair. She loved the sight of them all scattering like ants beneath her. The magic of Unicorn Horn pulsated through her whole body and before she knew it, she was flinging spells at everyone down below. She managed to hit some guy and turn him into a frog. The sheer rush from such power was unbelievable. She wanted to hit all of them. Show them all a thing or two. Make them bow to her magnificence.

Yes, she would soon be Queen of this city. And Vince would be her loving King.

She turned to him in mid-air, the glow of magic surrounding them like a romantic haze. He was back in her world now. His eyes were shining fluorescently and he was laughing along with her as she aimed her bursts of magic at the crowd. It might take a few more force-feedings of U, but soon she would break his willpower down. She would make him into the kind of boyfriend and partner in crime she had always wanted. He was so far gone by now it would take him hours to shake out of the spell. Even with his wild eyes and hair flying around him, he looked beautiful.

This was the life. Her and Vince. Together on this crazy trip. Forever.

But wait.

It couldn't be...

Out of nowhere, there he stood.

A lone maverick, glancing up with the kind of unflinching bravery she would never have thought him capable to possess.

Howard Moon.

"Alright there, Banoo" he shouted up. "Bet you thought I'd be long gone by now, eh? I'm sorry to tell you, it's going to take a bit more than a punch in the face and a game of hide and seek to get rid of me."

He took a step forward, showing no fear.

"I'm taking Vince home. He can do whatever he likes to me. Shout at me, hit me, tell me how much he hates me. But I'm not leaving without him."

Vince's hollow eyes widened ever so slightly, the sound of Howard's voice breaking through the magic barrier and registering somewhere deep inside of him.

Howard gave a defiant smirk. "I'm not leaving until you're out of our lives for good, you evil, psychopathic, _bitch_.""

Banoo screamed a scream so loud it echoed for miles around.


	26. Chapter 26

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

_**Author's Note - Thank you soooo much everyone for your lovely comments, reading them all has made writing this fic extra enjoyable ! :) You have been very patient with me tormenting these poor boys for so many chapters, I hope this chapter has been worth the wait...! xx**_

**Chapter 26**

"You're NOT taking him" Banoo panted furiously. Her face was red and flustered from her shriek of rage which was still resonating for miles around.

Howard continued to step closer to the space where she and Vince were flying in mid-air. All trace of civilisation had fled the scene and the street was now as empty as a ghost town. This was it. The final showdown.

"You really fink he wants to be with you?" Banoo continued, laughing incredulously. "Take a look at yerself Howard. Just take a fuckin' look. You're a great big, hairy, BLOKE with no fashion sense and a borin' personality to match. You're havin' a laugh if you think you even stand a chance. I mean, as IF. He's not even into blokes, what the hell are you even finkin' of? Just give it up already for God's sake and save whatever little bit of pride ya might still have left."

Howard remained silent as Banoo unloaded her rant upon him. It was hard to hear, but this time he was strong enough to take it. He glanced over at Vince who was hanging blankly in the air, lost in an all-consuming trance. He had to try and break this hideous spell once and for all.

"You listen to me Banoo" he said firmly, clenching his fists. "I might be some boring bloke who will never stand a chance with someone like Vince. But do you know what? I'm also someone who will never let him down. Who's always gonna be there for him, unconditionally. He just has to ring me and I'll be there. I would never do anything to harm a single hair on his precious head. And if that makes me boring, well I guess I'm proud to be boring old reliable Howard. And I'm bloody glad I'm not someone like you who does nothing but hurt and poison him."

Banoo let out an audible growl. "I ain't hurting him... I'm GOOD for him. You're the one who's bleeding his life dry and makin' him miserable. I'm fun and exciting. That's why he loves me." She gave a defensive grin. "That's why we MAKE love."

Once again, it was hard for Howard to take. But he refused to be shaken.

"I don't care what the hell you did. It doesn't change the way I feel about him. I told you, I'm not leaving without him."

He looked over at Vince, willing for him to snap out of his trance. To somehow hear his words and break through the haze of U that had encased his mind. But he still looked like a crazed zombie. Banoo caught Howard's pleading glances and smiled wickedly with her cherry red lips.

"Let's just see what Vincey's got to say about it all eh?" She grabbed his hair and shook him hard. "Wakey wakey sleepyhead. Your saddo little admirer's here... he obviously ain't got the hint yet. Fink you betta give him a few more home troofs."

Vince's blank, glowing eyes seemed to somehow spark back into consciousness, locking first onto Banoo and then onto Howard. He floated down onto the ground until he was face to face with his lifelong friend. He stared deeply into Howard's eyes, an expression of pure nothingness across his face.

"Wake up Little Man..." Howard breathed, so quietly that only Vince could hear. "I'm begging you..."

The younger man placed his hands on Howard's shoulders. For one fleeting moment, he thought that he had broken through. That Vince was pulling him in for an embrace.

Then he pushed him.

Howard went skidding across the floor, knees grazing bloodily on the grit-covered ground.

Banoo cackled from high above, thoroughly enjoying the show. "Wow looks like you've been rejected again Howard Moon."

Howard tuned out her hideous mocking. He stood straight back up and walked right up to Vince, ignoring the blood gushing from his knee and trickling down his trouser leg.

"This isn't you Vince" he said. "You're under a spell. You've got to try and wake up...It's me, Howard..."

Once more Vince pushed him. Howard managed to weave out of his grasp just in time, avoiding being pushed on the floor again.

"Why don't you go away?" Vince finally spoke. "Get the hell out of my life! I love her, not you. You're a joke. You're pathetic. You think I'd ever make love to you like I do to her?"

Howard stood unflinching. "She's brainwashed you Vince. You've taken so much U that she's got a hold of your mind."

"I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING... I HATE YOU!"

For the second time that day, Howard found himself on the receiving end of one of Vince's overly powerful punches. This time it got him straight in the other eye. He fell to the floor, his whole head aching in agony.

Banoo was in ecstasy. She giggled and span around in the air like a little girl who had eaten too many sweets. "Oh My God, this is brilliant! You bloody tell him Vincey!" She called down to Howard's bruised and immobile body. "Did you hear that? He HATES you. You heard it straight from the horses mouth. So give up and go home! I fink it's safe to say we're done here now!"

The sound of Banoo's high-pitched, taunting voice brought Howard to his feet once more. He just wanted to collapse, to lay there in a heap of exhausted misery and cry for hours. But Naboo's words from earlier were still ringing through his ears.

_It's about time you manned the hell up and fought for him._

This was it. His last chance. There was no more time left for being weak. For being scared.

It was now or never.

To Banoo's horror, he strode back to Vince, an air of determination surrounding his every step.

He snatched at Vince's hands and held them tightly. His fingers entwined forcefully around the younger mans, as if he were holding onto him for dear life.

"Vince. I'm not letting you go. You can keep lashing out and knocking me down, I'm just gonna get straight back up again. I swear to you, I'm never letting go of you."

From her view up in the air, Banoo prepared herself gleefully for fireworks. She knew whatever pathetic speech Howard came up with was never going to do any good. Vince was hers now. He was so drugged up and under the influence of her magic, he would only hit out again and again. She couldn't wait to see him pulverise Howard to a pulp.

His hollow eyes flared madly. She almost felt sorry for Howard, she could practically hear his heart breaking as he looked into Vince's face and saw no change.

"Here it comes" Banoo muttered to herself. "Bam. Goodbye Howard."

Only there was no punch. No struggle.

Vince stayed still, not even attempting to pull away from Howard's touch.

Howard clung hold even tighter, his heart pounding at the realisation his plan was working. He knew this was it. It was the moment of truth.

"I've not been honest with you Vince... The truth is... back in the Tundra, when I told you that I loved you. Well I didn't just mean it like a friend. Like the way I love Naboo or Bollo. I meant... the way that I love _you_. You stupid, beautiful, fantastic ray of sunshine. I'm in love with you. I'm so in love with you that I can hardly even stand it."

Vince stood dangerously still. There was no reaction on his face.

But he didn't let go of Howard's hands.

"I didn't tell you... because I was scared" Howard continued, tears pricking at his eyes. "You laughed at me when I told you the first time... I know you probably didn't mean it, I just caught you off guard. But I was scared you'd laugh at me again. That I'd lose you. I just felt like... I couldn't risk it. Our friendship means too much to me, I mean you're my best friend in the whole entire universe. And whatever you feel, or don't feel back, I know now that's never gonna change. I just wish..." He took a breath to try and steady his shaking nerves. "I just wish I'd told you sooner, so that none of this had ever happened. Because you're not well Vince, you've got yourself knee-deep in some right bad juju and it's absolutely killing me to see you like this. It's KILLING me."

He felt himself trembling all over with a mix of fear and adrenaline. Vince was still silent, almost like a statue carved from stone. But he knew that he could hear him. He could feel his hands squeezing back in return of his touch.

"Please wake up Vince... Come back to the flat with me...I'm going to help you. We'll make everything better, I promise. I'll never leave you. Just please, wake up..."

There was a long silence. Banoo gave a slow, sarcastic clap.

"Wow, very touching" she snarled. "No seriously, you got me welling up here. Oh but sorry to tell ya, you're wastin' your fucking time! Come on Vincey, we're getting out of here."

"NO!" Howard shouted. It couldn't end like this. It just couldn't.

Then, as softly as a whisper.

"I'm...sorry..."

Howard snapped his head up in surprise and gazed intensely into Vince's eyes. The blank, glassy sheen was dissolving. His light was restoring, pigment by tiny pigment.

"I'm sorry Howard... I'm so sorry..."

Banoo gasped out loud. Surely Vince wasn't coming around. It was impossible.

"I didn't mean to laugh at you... You honestly did just catch me by surprise, and I felt embarrassed. Why did I have to be so bloody stupid?. I thought maybe I'd just read the situation all wrong... The truth is Howard... I love you too. I always have done. I don't wanna be with anyone else other than you. My heart ain't never belonged to anyone else, as long as I've lived."

Vince's eyes were now back to a brilliant, shining blue. He leaned in close to Howard, his words of love spilling out into a tender, affectionate kiss. He ran his fingers gently through Howard's curly, brown hair, and messily touched his lips softly across the different corners of his face. His cheek, his chin, his blackened eyes. A kiss with so much love it made Howard feel complete in a way he had never thought possible. He kissed back gently, nuzzling Vince's angel face in the process, so happy that he was back from Banoo's evil hold.

"Oh Vince..." he whispered as they finally parted, pulling him close. "You finally came back to me..."

"Course I did" Vince smiled, feeling all the hate and hurt expelling from his heart and turning back into love. "I could hear you all along, I knew I had to break out of the spell." He looked down at their hands which were still entwined together, relishing being back in control of his own body and actions. "Looks like you've saved me. You're my hero Howard Moon."

Howard couldn't help the huge grin that was spreading across his face. "I love you so much Vince Noir."

"I love you too" Vince giggled. He just wanted to say it over and over again, to make up for all the years of keeping quiet.

As the the two of them stared lovingly into each other's eyes, Vince suddenly registered Howard's bruised and battered face. He ran a fingertip across his left eye in mortified horror. "Oh God... Did I... Did I do this to you...?"

Howard traced his own fingers against Vince's. "It's fine... you didn't know what you were doing."

Vince started to cry. "What have I done... I'm a monster...I'm sorry Howard... I'm so, so sorry."

He stood up on tiptoes and kissed the sides of Howard's eyes, desperate to heal all the pain away with displays of love.

Howard enveloped the smaller man in a defensive embrace, the two of them fitting together like two missing pieces of a jigsaw. Both of them so happy to have their feelings out in the open, and neither man ever wanting to let the other go.

They almost forgot that Banoo was still there. That she had been watching them the whole time with ever increasing envious rage.

It was out of the corner of his eye that Howard saw the ball of neon light heading straight towards them.


	27. Chapter 27

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 27**

"VINCE DUCK!"

Howard shoved Vince's head down as the ball of magic light hurtled towards their heads. It missed the two of them by the tiniest fraction and exploded on the ground just behind them.

Vince found his face practically buried in Howard's crotch in the process. "Bloody hell Howard, I'm happy about us too but don't you think you're moving a bit fast? I mean I've literally just broken out of a drug-induced mind control spell."

Banoo let out an ear-piercing scream and threw another magic blast their way. This time Vince pulled Howard out of harms way, the two of them crouching in a huddle together.

"We can't let her hit us" Howard gasped, clinging onto Vince for dear life. "If she does we'll turn into frogs."

"Frogs?" Vince echoed. "Are you kidding me?"

"She's already turned some poor little girl's Dad into one" Howard explained. "I told her I'd sort it out."

"Oh great Einstein, how do you propose to do that?"

"I dunno... there must be some way to reverse the spell. But let's avoid getting hit regardless, I don't fancy hopping home."

They were back to their old ways, bantering away just like normal. And it infuriated Banoo even more.

"You've made a big mistake Vincey" she screeched, flinging her spells incessantly. "A BIG MISTAKE!"

Howard noticed an overturned table lying nearby, left from the wreckage of the cafe. He grabbed Vince's arm and the two of them rolled behind it to take shelter from Banoo's waves of angry magic.

"If I can't have you... NO ONE CAN! I'll make ya pay! Both of you... I'LL FUCKING KILL YA BOTH!"

Neon blasts were erupting all around them as though they were in a war zone. Banoo's eyes were now as blank and hollow as Vince's had been. She had reached a point of no return. Wildly jealous, overdosed on U and completely out of control.

Howard ducked low behind the table. "I can't believe you actually SLEPT with this woman" he shouted in exasperation. "You're a bloody whore Vince, if we're gonna make a go of something then I hope you know I'm not gonna put up with it..."

Despite the noisy destruction surrounding them, Vince was thinking more clearly than he had in days. His memory was slowly returning to him, the muggy smog from all the U lifting to reveal the truth. "No Howard... I didn't. I didn't sleep with her!"

"But... she said.. and you said..."

"She made me think I had... But I remember now, I didn't. She came all at me in sexy underwear and tried it on... but I told her no." He looked over at Howard with a cheeky grin. "I think I might have had a little bit of a wank, but I was thinking of you the whole time."

Howard couldn't deny the huge amount of relief that was now flooding through him. "Aw, how romantic."

Vince kept grinning goofily like a puppy dog and Howard couldn't help but smile back.

It would have been nice to keep losing themselves in post-love-confession bliss, but there was still the little problem of a crazed ex-shaman on their case. Banoo was now firing her spells at the table, and it was slowly splintering and beginning to break into two. Pretty soon a blast would burst right through and they would be ribitting and eating flies for the rest of their lives. Not the best start to a new life together.

"Stay focused" Howard said seriously. "We've got to get out of here."

"Yeah, but how?" Vince replied anxiously.

Howard looked around for inspiration. There was nothing. Nowhere to hide. And Banoo was far too strong to overpower. There was only one other option.

"I think we're gonna have to run Little Man."

He looked at Vince and took hold of his hand. The table was now at breaking point. The two men nodded in understanding to each other, and hand in hand they leapt up and ran.

As the table blew up behind them, they used every last bit of strength to head towards the nearest side road that would take them out of Banoo's sight. She was continuing to screech and fly after them like a possessed banshee, and a trail of magic explosions were going off inches behind them.

As he ran, Howard felt Vince slowing down next to him. He pulled at his hand, willing him on. "Come on sweetheart" he said, the term of endearment accidentally rolling off his tongue in the spur of the moment. "We're almost there..."

"I can't..." Vince panted. "Go on without me... " He slumped to the floor, doubled over in exhausted pain.

Howard stopped running and rushed to Vince's side. In all the chaos of the past few minutes he had nearly forgotten how much Vince had just gone through. His body and mind had taken so much. He'd fought for his life, for his sanity and his freedom. He had fought against addiction with every fibre in his being to break Banoo's spell and return back to Howard's arms. And now, he had used up every bit of fight he possibly had left. He was on the verge of a massive come-down and it wasn't going to be pretty.

Banoo was delighted to see that her targets had stopped moving. She pulled her arms back in order to release her most mighty of spells.

Howard wound his arms around Vince in an attempt to pick him up.

"Howard, stop! What you doing? You've got to get out of here."

"I told you.. I'm not leaving you!"

Despite his best efforts, it was too late to move Vince out of the way.

The spell came flying directly towards him.

Howard threw his body over the younger man, and braced himself for the impact of the blast.


	28. Chapter 28

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

**Chapter 28**

There was a deafening silence.

Howard's eyes were clenched shut tightly. Had the spell hit him? His whole body was tensed up and he was terrified to drop his guard and discover the damage. Was he going to spend the rest of his life hopping around ponds and communicating in croaks? He didn't feel any different, but anything could have happened for all he knew. Maybe he was actually dead.

Vince. Was Vince alright?

_Please God, say I jumped in front of him in time..._

Bravely, Howard finally opened his eyes. Vince was still underneath him, looking as human and as beautiful as ever. He was passed out, but still breathing fine.

He let out a small sigh of relief and brought a trembling hand to his face.

It was a human hand. All five fingers and everything. No froggy feet to be found.

"The spell..." he muttered aloud in confusion. "What happened to the spell?"

"Look up" a familiar voice said from a few feet away.

Howard released his protective hold on Vince and turned around to look upwards. The ball of magic light that had been hurtling towards them was now frozen in mid-air, completely unmoving. Banoo was also frozen still, unable to move or even speak.

"I managed to cast a freezing spell just in time" the familiar voice continued. Howard sat himself up and came face to face with his dear old magical friend.

"Naboo" he smiled in delighted surprise. "You found us!"

"Yeah, just in time" the shaman grinned. He walked over and held out a hand to help his friend up. "You two were almost gonna get frogged."

Howard gladly accepted Naboo's help, and slowly got to his feet, avoiding the mid-air ball of light in the process. The two of them grabbed one of Vince's arms each and pulled him steadily to his feet also. He was completely unconscious and hung limply between them with his head towards the ground. Howard kissed the younger man's temple, knowing there was nothing more anyone could do for him at that particular moment in time.

"Did you find that little girl and her Dad?" Howard asked Naboo, suddenly remembering about her.

"I saw her when I was running here" Naboo replied. "Don't worry, I can reverse the spell later. The police are looking after her now."

It was at the mention of the police that Howard became aware of the scene unfolding around him. Naboo wasn't alone. There was a group of rather firm looking police men and women tagging along behind him, who were now beginning to surround Banoo as she hung frozen solid in the sky.

"We're ready when you are Mr. Naboo" said the burliest looking policeman. Naboo maneuvered Vince so that he was draped across Howard's shoulders. He then walked over to his sister, looking up at her with a mixed expression. Somewhere between anger, disappointment and pity.

"Banoo, you're not well" he said simply. "I had no idea you were so involved with all these drugs... I can't believe you've been keeping it a secret from me for so long. I've got to say, I'm disgusted with you. You could have hurt two of my dearest friends. You could have KILLED them. And it would have been my fault for bringing you into all of our lives. I feel sick with myself, and if you had any shred of compassion left inside of you then you'll feel sick with yourself too. Do you have any idea what you've been playing at? All this isn't some kind of game. It's people's lives you're playing with. Including your own."

Banoo couldn't respond in her frozen state. Her eyes flickered from rage to upset at her brother's words.

"You're my sister Banoo. I want you to know, I'm doing this because I care about you. It's the only way. You need to go to a place where you won't hurt people anymore. Where you've got no choice but to kick this dirty habit once and for all. I know it'll be tough. In fact, it'll be shit for you. Think of it as karma." He sighed. "I'm honestly sorry it's got to come to this...but you'll thank me for it one day."

He turned to the policeman.

"I'll count to three and break the spell."

The policeman nodded, and ordered his team to surround Banoo tightly. As the spell broke and Banoo came falling to the ground, they all caught her.

And arrested her.

**xXx**

"Get your filthy hands off me!" Banoo screamed as she was bundled into a van by two large policeman. "It weren't me who did any of this.. it was him! Vince Noir! He made me do all that stuff... It's him you should be arresting, not me! He's a total druggy. And that Howard idiot is his dealer. They're the ones who did all this, not me!"

The policemen completely ignored her cries and carried on forcing her into the van. As she tried in vain to struggle free, she turned to glance at Howard and Naboo who were still propping up an unconscious Vince.

"I hope you two are happy with yerselves" she hissed. "Can't get much lower than ratting out yer own sista can ya Naboo? And as for you Howard fucking Moon. You'll pay. You fink Vince is gonna love someone like you? He'll get bored of you in five seconds, trust me!"

Howard shifted Vince into Naboo's arms and walked straight up to Banoo. He bent down slightly so he was eye level with her where she was now strapped securely inside the van.

"Don't talk to me about love Banoo. You don't know the meaning of the word. You're nothing but a cold, lonely, sad little girl. And Naboo doing what he did is the one chance you're ever going to get at happiness. You'll be going down for a good few years, and maybe it will finally give you time to reflect on your actions and think about what you've done. I hope you manage to change Banoo, I really do. Because I wouldn't wish a bitter, icy heart like yours on anyone. I hope time in prison helps you find whatever the hell it is you're looking for. Now I'm off to start a whole new chapter with the man I love. Together we're gonna get rid of all the poison you left... We're gonna build the life we both deserve."

For once, Banoo had no reply. She looked over at Vince's limp body and Naboo's disappointed face. Then she looked at Howard. Her eyes filled with tears.

"Y'know, I feel sorry for you" Howard continued. "I feel sorry that you're never going to know the kind of love Vince and I share. I know you wanted it... but it's not something you can take, or force out of people. You have to earn it. You have to nurture it and let it grow. Maybe you'll find it one day. Just not with my Vince..." He turned and looked over longingly at his poor exhausted little man. "It was always us. Always me and Vince. Right from day one. It was in the stars. You never could have changed it."

Tears streamed down Banoo's cheeks. She couldn't fight Howard because he was right. And deep down she knew. Maybe she had always known.

"Bye Banoo" Howard said softly.

The policemen closed the doors of the van.

The last thing Howard saw was the slightest parting of Banoo's lips. A barely audible mutter that he wondered if he had even heard at all.

"...M'sorry."

**xXx**

"Do you want us to take Mr. Noir to the hospital?" the policeman asked.

"Nah, the type of magic he's been involved with, I'll be able to do more good at home with me potions" Naboo replied. "Oh and don't worry about my sister, the effects of the U would've worn off by now so she'll have no more magic blasts. She's not a real shaman anymore, she got her powers taken off her."

"Yeah I can see why" the policeman said, raising his eyebrows. "Well, we shall be in touch very soon when Mr. Noir is feeling up to writing a statement. Thanks for reversing the frog spell too for that poor bloke."

"No problems, let me know if you need any more help." Naboo shook the policeman's hand. London's police force were severely under-equipped for dealing with disturbances of the magical variety, seeing as how there were so few magical folk left in the city these days. They had pretty much left Naboo to deal with picking up the pieces once they discovered that he was a shaman on the side of good.

"Just one more thing... how long d'ya reckon my sis will get?"

The policeman cleared his throat. "Well, she's got a number of charges against her... Dealing illegal substances, public disturbance, property damage, magical attack with the intent to harm... She'll probably be looking at about 3 to 4 years."

Naboo nodded. "Sounds fair." He let out a troubled sigh.

"Don't worry Sir" the policeman continued, placing a hand on Naboo's shoulder. "This is no ordinary case. We'll be offering your sister counseling throughout her sentence and we'll do everything in our power to help her kick her addiction and get back to regular civilian life by the time she's free."

"Thanks" Naboo smiled. "I think this is the best thing for her."

"Definitely" the policeman nodded. "Now we best be off. I'll be in touch."

Naboo watched as the police van trundled away. Howard was also watching as he placed the sleeping Vince gently on Naboo's magic carpet.

"Come on Naboolio, I think it's time we went home."

Naboo nodded and joined them both on the carpet. He looked more anxious than Howard had ever seen him before.

"It ain't over Howard" he said sadly. "Vince has been taking U non-stop for days. He's gonna have awful withdrawal symptoms. It's gonna be like hell for him." Before he could stop it, a tear escaped his eye. "This is all my fault. I should have never let Banoo stay... I should have just kept her out of our lives. I'm just so sorry... for everything..."

Howard placed an arm around his dear friend. "Naboo, none of this is your fault. I don't blame you, and I know Vince won't. We all had a say in whether she stayed, and none of us knew things would turn out the way they did." He patted the shaman's shoulder comfortingly. "And in the end, everything worked out didn't it? Banoo's gonna get the help she needs. And after all this time... me and Vince ..."

Naboo gasped. "You two... you finally bloody admitted it to each other didn't ya?"

Howard blushed a deep red.

"Brilliant. Bollo owes me a tenner now."


	29. Chapter 29

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

_**Author's Note - It's the penultimate chapter ! *sniffle* Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading, and please stay tuned for the Epilogue tomorrow :D**_

**Chapter 29**

The carpet ride home was a long and silent one. Naboo steered through the skies as Howard sat beside Vince, holding his sleeping body close.

When they finally got back to the flat, Bollo was there waiting for them. He had made some nourishing soup for everyone and had made up Vince's bed all nice and comfy for his recovery.

"Bollo glad you all home safe" he grunted with a nod in greeting.

"Thanks Bollo" Howard replied with a grateful smile. "It's been an incredibly long day, this is just what we needed."

He sat down on the couch, placing Vince carefully beside him. He was about to take a bowl of Bollo's soup, when before he knew it, he blacked out into a heavy sleep.

Bollo and Naboo stood watching their two friends fast asleep on the couch. Vince's head was rolling onto Howard's shoulder, and Howard sleepily nestled into his mane of black hair in return.

"Told ya didn't I?" Naboo smiled over at his familiar. "I knew they'd figure it out... in the end."

"OK, guess Bollo lost bet then" the gorilla replied. "I put them to bed. Vince got bad week ahead."

**xXx**

When Vince finally opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Howard asleep on a chair next to him. His face was still bruised and swollen, and he had a book face down on his lap, as though he had fallen asleep mid-reading. One hand was loosely holding the book, and his other hand was wrapped protectively around Vince's wrist which was protruding from the bed covers.

Before he registered any pain, Vince smiled at the scene before him. It briefly flickered through his mind that maybe he'd died and gone to heaven. But then he thought that if that were the case, Howard wouldn't be looking quite so worse for wear. He suddenly remembered that he was the reason Howard had such injuries in the first place, and the realisation jabbed through his stomach like a dagger.

And then it hit him. Sheer agony. His head. His ribs. His stomach. His arms and legs. Everything ached with so much intensity, he wondered if maybe he'd been flattened by a steamroller the moment that magic light had hit him.

Magic light. Banoo. U. All the connections weaved their way through his throbbing mind.

He wanted U. He was desperate for it. And he hated himself for it. He let out a frustrated groan which instantly woke Howard up with an alarmed jolt.

"Vince? Vince, you awake?" He threw his book to one side and knelt down next to the bed. "Oh thank God... You've been asleep for nearly two days straight." He gently stroked the side of Vince's head. "I was starting to worry you were never gonna wake up..."

"I'm starting to wish I hadn't" Vince replied, his voice dry and croaky. "I feel like absolute bloody death..."

Howard's eyes grew big and ever so slightly tearful. "Yeah, you will do little man... "

Vince closed his eyes shut. "I feel sick..."

"Naboo's been working on some potions to help" Howard said softly, still gently stroking Vince's face. "We're all here for you Vince. Banoo's gone now... Naboo stopped her spell. And now you're home safe and we're all gonna help you get through this."

Howard's short explanation was all Vince really needed to know. He couldn't focus on anything in any great detail. His overwhelming want for U was taking over everything.

"Howard... I can't do this... I can't... I've got to have U, you've gotta get it for me... please..."

"Vince..."

"PLEASE!"

Howard brought his face close to Vince's in a clumsy embrace, attempting to comfort him in some small way.

"Vince! It's breaking my heart to see you this way, but you've got to try and stay strong. You have to cut that stuff out completely, it's the only way you'll ever be free of it. I promise, I'm not going to leave this room until you're better. I'm going to stay by your side the whole time."

He meant it. He had already spent nearly 24 hours at Vince's bedside, waiting for him to wake up. And however long it took... days, weeks, months. He would stay, until Vince was back to normal.

"I'm disgusting" Vince sobbed, clinging to Howard's shirt. "I'm nothing but a dirty druggy. What the hell have I put you through?"

"Don't be bloody stupid" Howard retorted. "You could never be disgusting. You're beautiful, inside and out. And I know you're going to come through this. You're Vince Noir, sunshine kid. You're gonna beat this with a smile on your face."

Vince's body was ice cold and he craved Howard's warmth as the older man held him close. He took a long, stuttering breath. He couldn't give in. He had to fight. This was going to be the worst time of his whole life, but he had to get through it somehow.

And he knew with Howard by his side, that he would.

**xXx**

It was day 3 of Vince's lockdown. He hadn't left his room at all, besides a few trips to the bathroom. And Howard had been right there with him the whole time.

It had been hard. Harder than Vince had anticipated. At one point he had almost stormed out of the room and would have escaped the flat completely if Howard hadn't dragged him back to bed and bolted the door shut. He'd hated him for it at the time and had sulked and not spoken to him for an hour. But as the fog of addiction finally began to lift from his troubled mind, he had never felt more grateful of Howard's unconditional love.

He was Vince's rock. His anchor keeping him safely on solid ground. And for once his boring, brown shirts had never looked so good. His hideous jazz music had never sounded so beautiful. Everything about him was safe and sure, and everything Vince so desperately needed. Whether he was reading to him, playing old records, talking things through or just sat in quiet silent, the very fact he was there was comfort enough.

Just the warmth of his body and the soft sound of his breathing were enough to make Vince want to get through another hour.

By the third day, things felt a little easier. The aching was a little less painful. The ice cold was a little less bitter. There was finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

As the night fell, Vince was feeling more like himself than he had in what felt like forever. He turned over in his bed to face Howard who was lightly dozing next to him. They had pushed their two single beds together so they could sleep next to one another. Vince found himself reaching out to run his fingers through Howard's messy brown curls. The Jazz-loving Northerner let out a contented hum at the physical contact. Vince brought his fingers further down, gently stroking his bruised face, which was slowly starting to heal up.

"What's up Vince?" Howard murmured. "You OK?"

"Yeah" Vince whispered. "How are you?"

Howard gave a warm laugh. "I'm fine Little Man."

There was a long pause as the two men continued to lay there dozily, content with their gentle closeness.

"Howard?"

"Mm?"

"Are we like... boyfriends now?"

Howard felt himself snap wide awake.

"Well... err, I guess, maybe we are... if you want to be?"

Vince smiled. "Course I do."

Howard smiled in return, feeling the tingling sensation of unbridled happiness flowing through his body from head to toe. "Right. Well. Good."

They continued to lay there, Vince's hand still absentmindedly caressing Howard's face and hair.

"I don't know why I did all this" he muttered sleepily. "I've been so stupid. I'll make it up to you, I swear it. I'll be the greatest boyfriend the world has ever seen. I'd do anything for you Howard."

Howard inched closer to Vince and put his arms right around the smaller man. "Just focus on getting better, that's all I want."

Vince returned Howard's loving embrace. "I still feel like shit... but I'm gonna think of all the nice things we're gonna do. When we're official boyfriends and all that. Think it'll help me sleep."

"That sounds nice. We'll both think of all the nice things."

"Like... boat races."

"Err yeah sure. Why not."

"And eatin' roast dinners."

"And band practice."

"And adventures... wait this is all the stuff we do anyway."

"I guess you're right..."

. . .

"Howard?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you a virgin?"

Howard was glad it was dark because he was now blushing the deepest shade of red his body was capable of.

"... You know I am."

Vince squeezed his innocent love tightly. "Good."

"Why are you asking me something like that? You don't have some kind of sick fantasy planned or something do you?"

"Nah. Just... Your first time. It's gonna be with me. S'gonna be lovely."

Howard felt butterflies explode through him. He was about to say something in embarrassed protest, and then realised that Vince had dropped off to sleep in his arms.

"I'm sure it will be Little Man..."

He kissed the top of Vince's long dark locks, and fell himself into sweet, peaceful dreams.


	30. Chapter 30

_**Disclaimer - I do not own the Mighty Boosh, this is just for fun!**_

_**Author's Note - THANK YOU so much to everyone who has read this story to the end. I've had so much fun writing it and I have really appreciated all the lovely comments :) Got a sequel idea planned already... so hopefully see you soon? ;)**_

**Chapter 30**

**Epilogue**

_**TWO MONTHS LATER**_

Vince looked out into the crowd and felt his heart lift at the sight of so many friendly faces. Naboo and Bollo were sat at the bar, both drinking shots, and loads of old faces from his and Howard's days at the Zoo had come down to show their support. There wasn't a huge amount of people there, it wasn't as packed and crazy as their last gig at The Karate Chop. But they weren't playing to an empty room either. And people actually seemed to enjoy their set.

For once, everything felt just right.

As Vince's final guitar chords rang out through the room, he addressed the crowd.

"Cheers for coming down tonight everyone... Hope you all enjoyed yerselves. Just another reminder that tonight's show is raising money for the prevention of cruelty to Unicorns, so if you got any spare change, throw it in a bucket yeah?"

"Thanks guys" Howard added into his microphone as he headed offstage with a wave. Everyone in the audience clapped and cheered, and began to rifle through their pockets for change.

When they were backstage, Vince was still grinning like a Cheshire cat. "That was amazin'! I think we've actually raised loads too."

Howard nodded. "Yeah, people have been really generous."

Vince's recent struggle with U addiction had become pretty much common knowledge amongst everyone they knew, and as a result they had all made a special effort to come down to support him. After all, he had been clean for two whole months now, and was doing everything in his power to make amends for his actions.

"Do you think the money is gonna help?" Vince asked. He had been doing plenty of research since he kicked his U habit, and was disgusted to see what happened to all the Unicorns he had been taking horns from. At the time it had never even crossed his mind that Unicorns would have to suffer to feed his habit, and he wanted to try and make up for things in some small way. After all, he had grown up in a forest with a love of all living creatures... He couldn't bear to think of them suffering, and even worse, him being the cause of their pain.

"I'm sure it will help loads" Howard replied kindly. "It will probably help protect a whole herd of unicorns."

Vince smiled happily. "That's a nice thought."

Howard found himself smiling back, taking in every inch of his gorgeous boyfriend. His hair was matted and sweaty from performing, he had eyeliner running all down his face and wet patches all over his lilac silk shirt. But in spite of all this, he still managed to look more beautiful than Howard could comprehend. He could hardly believe he was _his_. After so long, he finally had his heart... and it felt more magical than he had ever possibly imagined.

"What ya looking at?" Vince questioned. "Do I look like a state?"

Howard shook his head, a grin flickering on his lips. "You look... happy."

"I am happy!"

"Good. Because that makes me happy."

Vince rolled his eyes jokingly. "You're such a bloody soppy sod sometimes. I don't think I like you being so in love all the time, it creeps me out. Can't you just go back to being miserable again?"

It was now Howard who gave an eyeroll. "Alright, fine. How about I just shut up and kiss you?"

"That would be acceptable."

Howard leant over and planted a sweet kiss on Vince's lips, his moustache brushing against the younger man's porcelain face and making him giggle.

Before their kiss could get anymore heated, someone called over.

"Oi oi lads, not interrupting am I?"

The two men turned around at the sound of the voice in the doorway. Howard's eyes lit up in recognition at the busty blonde. "Jem, is that you?"

"Sure is!" she exclaimed. She looked so much different than she had a month previously. Before it looked as though a gust of wind could have snapped her in half. Her skin had been gaunt and yellow, her eyes tired and red. But now, she was stronger, healthier. Her hair and her eyes both shone with a sparkle that hadn't been there before. "I saw you guys was playin' in town and I had to pop in to say hi. You were awesome by the way. I'm so glad you're both OK after... everything..."

Vince gave a sheepish smile. "Thanks Jem... Long time no see. You're lookin' good!"

"I feel good Vincey" she laughed. "Been going to U Anonymous meetin's ever since what happened at the flat and everythin... I feel like I've finally turned my life around." She gave an especially beaming smile to Howard. "It's all down to you... Howard fuckin' Moon! Who'dve thought it?"

Howard went a little red and looked down toward the ground shyly. Vince wrapped an arm tenderly around his waist. "He's a bloody hero ain't he?"

"He sure is," Jem replied. "You better not let him go. Or I'll fuckin' deck ya."

"I won't" Vince promised, meaning it.

"Did you hear about Banoo?" Howard asked, tactfully changing subject to avoid feeling embarrassed.

Jem nodded her head sadly, almost wistfully. As though talking about a dear old friend who had passed away. "Yeah... she got 3 years didn't she?"

"Yeah" Howard answered solemnly. "She deserved it too... But, I think it's gonna change her you know. Once she kicks the U, maybe she can go about making up for everything she did..."

"I hope so" Jem sighed. "But whateva. The main thing is, we're all free of her now. And I don't know bout you guys, but my life couldn't be betta!"

Vince had been listening quietly to the conversation, not speaking. Banoo was still a very sore subject where he was concerned, and the less said about her the better. But he was still as positive and full of happiness as ever. He believed people could change, and he believed in moving on.

And he believed in love, and it's power to change everything.

"Yeah you're right" he said, pulling Howard even closer towards him. "Life really couldn't be any better."

Howard kissed Vince's cheek. At one point he had been worried that he had lost him forever, and yet now here he was. Safe and sound in his arms. All in one piece. Sometimes, even after all these weeks, the relief was so overwhelming he just wanted to smother him all over with protective love and affection.

"Blerg!" Jem mocked. "Stop being so disgustingly adorable! You're makin' me sick!"

"Sorry.." Howard chuckled. "I just can't help myself. I'm so proud of him for getting through what he did..." He turned to face Jem's gaze. "I'm proud of you too Little Miss. Keep doing what you're doing."

"I will" she replied earnestly. "Look, I gotta go now. I've gotta be up for work in the morning... Finally got myself a proper job and everything didn't I! I promise I'll come see you guys again when you're playin'"

The three of them all exchanged understanding nods and goodbyes as Jem exited the room. Just before she left, she turned to Vince and added with a wink, "Play nice with Howard won't ya Vincey Boy? He's a gentleman... so be gentle."

Howard blushed so red the whole room was practically glowing. Jem gave a mischievous laugh and tottered off on her trademark high heels.

"That girl's got some nerve" Vince exclaimed. "I'm always gentle, ain't I Howard?" He couldn't resist sneaking his hand teasingly into the waistband of Howard's jeans.

"Vince! Stop it! We've got all our mates outside!"

"Boo, you're no fun."

Vince was still amused by how endearingly innocent Howard was. He was currently attempting to teach him a few tricks in the bedroom department, but it was still a bit too early on for any progress of that nature.

Their first time together had been a month after they made their relationship official. After Vince had got himself clean with Howard's endless loving support. It hadn't been a planned thing, it had just kind of happened one night after deciding to get back to band rehearsals and normal daily life again. After a day of talking and playing and planning and dreaming, they had tumbled into bed for a snogging session which had slowly escalated into something more.

The whole affair had been incredibly clumsy and tender and awkward and loving. Howard refused to take his socks off, and would only go through with it if he could stay hidden under the covers the whole time. Vince hadn't cared one bit. He had never felt so connected to another human being as he had in that moment, their bodies moving in rhythm together and their breath hard and long in each other's ears. Vince had looked up at Howard at the final moment, their eyes locked with as much passion as they were feeling everywhere else.

"...I'love you" Vince had panted, as the feelings of pleasure crashed through them both simultaneously.

Howard had burrowed his face into Vince's neck, kissing him over and over. "Not as much... as I love... you..."

Vince still tingled all over from the memory. Most people he knew had sex on a regular basis, but not very many were lucky enough to make love with someone else. As he had laid in Howard's arms, both of them basking in blissful afterglow, he had remembered whispering a silent prayer to whoever might be out there in the Universe listening to him.

_Please let every day with Howard be as magical as this one..._

He thought Howard hadn't heard, but as they cuddled under the sheets, he felt the older man's hold pull him in the tiniest bit tighter.

Getting lost in his memories, Vince removed his hand from Howard's jeans and settled for cuddling him close instead. There was plenty of time for them to have fun, when Howard was ready. For now he was just happy to take things slow, and enjoy loving him properly after all the years of unspoken feelings.

"I'll never forget what you did for me" Vince said into his ear, his tone taking a sudden serious note. "Never. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You know that right? I really ain't ever gonna let you go."

Howard pulled Vince's face to his and kissed him. A slow, passionate kiss which was most unlike Howard's usual technique. Their tongues brushed together and neither man pulled away as intense sparks shot through them both.

Eventually they parted at the same time. Vince felt like he might actually swoon. "Howard..." he breathed in dreamy surprise.

"You Vince Noir... are utterly adorable." He kissed him again, this time lightly and sweetly. "Just promise me you'll never go near U again and I'll be happy, OK?"

Vince rubbed his nose against Howard's. "Why would I need that junk when I've got you now? Nothing could get me higher than loving you."

"Wow, that's corny Vince."

"Shut up! It sounded good in me head!"

"I'm sure it did..."

"No I meant it!"

"Yeah alright."

"I DID!"

Naboo poked his head around the door of the dressing room.

"Come on you gays, quit bumming out here and come talk to your fans. We're all waitin' for ya!"

"Just coming" Howard called over.

"Yeah that's what you said last night too" Vince snickered.

"Oh be quiet you little perv!" Howard grumbled.

They paused, and then smiled at each other. Everything was as it should be, and neither man had ever felt happier.

Howard and Vince. It was always supposed to be them. The two of them together, forever.

Hand in hand, they left the dressing room to greet their fans.

**THE END**


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